Things men want for Christmas have no physical form

THE most popular men’s Christmas presents, including books, music and computer games, no longer exist as physical things.

Wives are increasingly finding that the only things their menfolk actually want are a series of ones and zeros flowing down a fibre optic cable.

Tom Logan of Preston said: “The wife used to get me CDs, but I’m on Spotify now.

“I only read on the Kindle, I watch everything on Netflix, and I’m going to download all my games in the Steam sale after Christmas.

“Everything I love has become a ghost, and I couldn’t be happier.”

Wife Sarah Logan said: “Luckily you can’t digitise presentation boxes of ales with fleetingly amusing names. For good old-fashioned total shit, you can’t beat the material world.”

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Fogles and Middletons locked in murderous blood feud

DOZENS have been killed since the outbreak of a vicious battle between Britain’s leading quite posh crime families.

“Some things cannot be forgiven”

The feud began yesterday after the Middleton-owned money laundering operation Party Pieces failed to deliver trinkets for the birthday of Ben Fogle’s favourite son Ludo.

An anonymous Fogle consiglieri said: “The Middletons may be greasing the royal palm but even so you’d have to be insane to fuck with the capo Ben Fogle. I’ve seen him kick a French polisher to death just for making eye contact with his spaniel.

“When the Party Pieces stuff didn’t arrive, Ben just got this look in his eye and said, ‘It is time for me to make some calls’. Twenty minutes later the Party Pieces warehouse blew up, killing 14 Middleton goons.”

Later that evening all the guests at a Fogle-run drinks reception died after eating poisoned canapes and a dead sheep with ‘Fuckers’ written on its flank was left outside a Putney boutique that is part of the Fogle clan’s extensive protection racket.

The source said: “The Middletons have always thought there was only room for one family in the cultural void between the middle and upper classes, so they goaded the Fogles into making the first move hoping the Windsors would fall in with them.

“This is war, pure and simple. Stay away from Chelsea, Putney and the nicer parts of Notting Hill.”