Third of 11 year-olds cannot draw recognisable penis

RECORD numbers of primary school children lack the basic skills to draw a
serviceable cock and balls, according to new research.

The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development looked at penises drawn in textbooks, and etched into desks with compasses, at over 850 primary schools in the UK.

Research chief, Dr Tom Logan, said: “We compared each of the drawings to the Heimrich-Bembecker Phallus of 1963, which is the objective standard by which juvenile penis pictures are measured.

“The Heimrich-Bembecker sits at a 45 degree angle, with a simple horizontal line representing the so-called ‘bell end’. There are two testicles, ovoid not spherical, each with three curved pubolicles.

“The ability to draw something akin to that is the most basic measure of academic aptitude. Put simply, if you can’t draw a cock and balls you’re probably going to stumble a bit with basic sums, let alone quantum mechanics.”

While Chinese and South Korean children are etching increasingly life-like genitalia, the OECD found that more than 30% of the UK penis drawings could easily have been something else, including a malformed swan, a Zeppelin passing over two small clouds or some bagpipes.

Primary school teacher, Emma Bradford, said: “We make time every week for anatomical drawings and we are starting to see some improvement. Most can now manage something that is obviously a pair of tits.

“This type of work is a launchpad from which we hope to get them writing misspelled swearwords like ‘nob’ and ‘fuk’ which will eventually develop into proper sentences by the time they’re 30.”

But educationalist Dr Julian Cook questioned the validity of the findings, insisting: “There is no right or wrong way. Each child must be allowed to develop their own idea of what a penis drawing should look like.

“And the Heimrich-Bembecker doesn’t even have any spunk coming out of it.”



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Littlejohn engorged by your hate

DAILY Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn was in the throes of a powerful erection today as millions of people subjected him to a fresh batch of hate.

Littlejohn confirmed that the blood began pumping to his short, lumpy penis moments after he completed his latest article.

He added: “Just the thought of how appalled people were going to be made me so hard.

“But now all the complaints are coming in and I just keep getting harder and harder. It’s actually quite sore and hot now. But in a good way.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, explained: “The Mail’s business plan is based on annoying you. They pay this man £1m a year to do nothing but get on your tits.”

He added: “They know that if you are annoyed by it then lots of other people – small businessmen, golfers, your parents – are fucking loving it.

“And they only love it because they know it annoys you. If you stop being annoyed by it, they will stop loving it and then Littlejohn will have to go and do this shit in the Daily Express.

“And then it won’t matter.”