Third of 11 year-olds cannot draw recognisable penis

RECORD numbers of primary school children lack the basic skills to draw a
serviceable cock and balls, according to new research.

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The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development looked at penises drawn in textbooks, and etched into desks with compasses, at over 850 primary schools in the UK.

Research chief, Dr Tom Logan, said: “We compared each of the drawings to the Heimrich-Bembecker Phallus of 1963, which is the objective standard by which juvenile penis pictures are measured.

“The Heimrich-Bembecker sits at a 45 degree angle, with a simple horizontal line representing the so-called ‘bell end’. There are two testicles, ovoid not spherical, each with three curved pubolicles.

“The ability to draw something akin to that is the most basic measure of academic aptitude. Put simply, if you can’t draw a cock and balls you’re probably going to stumble a bit with basic sums, let alone quantum mechanics.”

While Chinese and South Korean children are etching increasingly life-like genitalia, the OECD found that more than 30% of the UK penis drawings could easily have been something else, including a malformed swan, a Zeppelin passing over two small clouds or some bagpipes.

Primary school teacher, Emma Bradford, said: “We make time every week for anatomical drawings and we are starting to see some improvement. Most can now manage something that is obviously a pair of tits.

“This type of work is a launchpad from which we hope to get them writing misspelled swearwords like ‘nob’ and ‘fuk’ which will eventually develop into proper sentences by the time they’re 30.”

But educationalist Dr Julian Cook questioned the validity of the findings, insisting: “There is no right or wrong way. Each child must be allowed to develop their own idea of what a penis drawing should look like.

“And the Heimrich-Bembecker doesn’t even have any spunk coming out of it.”