Thousands Discover They Are Result Of Inbreeding

THOUSANDS of people logged on to the 1911 Census yesterday, stared at the screen for two minutes and then ran from the room with a look of sickened horror.

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said many had hoped to find they were the descendants of a passionate but doomed romance between an East End match girl and the Duke of Clarence.

Instead thousands have discovered they are the mutant progeny of an illegal union between a slack-jawed farm labourer and his mentally retarded sister.

Carys Hughes, an office worker from Bedford, said: "I was really interested in my great grandparents on my father's side as, for some reason, we were never allowed to talk about them when I was growing up.

"When I logged on I soon discovered that great grandma's maiden name was the same as her married name.

"Sure enough, after a bit more research, it all became horrifyingly clear."

Hughes added: "I suppose now they'll have to take away my driving licence and put me in a home.

"Still, at least they were married. It would be so embarrassing to find out that you're the bastard offspring of sibling incest."

Professor Brubaker said the 1911 Census may be repulsive but it would give us a much deeper understanding of modern British culture including the Daily Mail, the Labour Party and Sky One's Are You Cleverer Than a Bag of Tomatoes?

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Hi Wheel Love Heet Heef We Beat Them, Says Benitez

LIVERPOOL manager Rafa Benitez has poured scorn on Sir Alex Fergsuson insisting he 'wheel love heet' if his side beats Man United to the Premier League title.

In a passionate outburst on Sky Sports Benitez said: "Hwhen joo do dat to footballers like he said aybout Leeds and hwhen joo do tings like dat aybout a man like Stooart Pearce.

"Hi hev kept really quiet but hi wheel tell joo someting, he hwent down een my estimation hwhen he said dat."

Close to tears, Benitez added: "Hwe hev not resorted to dat but hi wheel tell joo – joo can tell heem now eef joo are hwatching eet – hwee are steel fighting for theese tytel and he has got to go to Middlesborough and get someting.

"And hi wheel tell joo honestly, hi wheel love heet heef hwe beat dem. Love heet."

Benitez resigned shortly after the interview but was persuaded to return by the Liverpool board.

He is expected to resign and be reinstated another 14 times between now and the end of the season, before being admitted to a special hospital.

Meanwhile Sir Alex Ferguson said last night: "I don't know what his problem is. What I do know is that Spanish men have incredibly small penises. That's a scientific fact."