Timebombs surprisingly dull

THE interest-only mortgage timebomb has confirmed that timebombs are overrated. 

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “On hearing the word ‘timebomb’ one’s initial reaction is ‘run, run, just go, now!’

“But actually it’s just an absurdly sensationalised way of describing pretty much anything.

“See also the obesity timebomb, the immigration timebomb and the Boots Meal Deal timebomb.”

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Tories not sufficiently unhinged, concedes Cameron

DAVID Cameron has pledged to take the Conservative Party back to its mentally disturbed basics.

In response to the UKIP Surge, the prime minister insisted he had ‘got the message’ and would now walk around with a combat knife clenched in his foaming jaws.

Mr Cameron added: “Most UKIP voters used to support the Conservatives. Or, perhaps, one of the other right wing parties… Anyway.

“We used to welcome candidates who would strip to the waist and photograph themselves in front of a Union Jack. Or use an incredibly dangerous dog as their Facebook photo.

“In our pursuit of the middle ground we decided that these people were strange and frightening and way, way too angry about an enormous number of things.

“That was wrong.”

Mr Cameron is to unveil a series of policy initiatives to win back UKIP voters including making everything legal, except gay marriage and uncontrolled being foreign.

He added: “I am a Knight of the Holy Order of St George, vanquishing our foes with the Invincible Sword of Albion.

“Is that the sort of thing you’re after?”