Tiresome attention seeker reminds everyone that childbirth affects your vagina

A WOMAN who just wants attention has described how having a baby made her fanny go weird.

29-year-old Susan Traherne, who describes herself as a blogger, has graphically described the inevitable effects of giving birth because it is a way of getting attention without being good at anything.

Traherne said: “They don’t tell you that when you have a baby that it can affect your vagina. But when you stop and think about it, babies are quite big compared to fannies.

“Nobody talks about it, except perhaps a few thousand other similarly tiresome chancers. But now I’m laying in on the line – my vadge looks like a tinned breakfast.

“Or a badger that’s been hit by a hovercraft. Or a deflated space hopper. I could go on.

“I have a book and and website where you can read more about the state of my vagina and also how I’ve gone off sex, if that’s the sort of thing you like. There’s some other stuff about how my house is quite dirty.

“It’s all very gruesome and controversial.”

She added: “Please like me.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

All fish to be granted UK passports

EVERY fish in the world has been declared a subject of Her Majesty the Queen.

The move, which pushes the UK population to well over 70 billion, means that any attempt by the EU to enforce current fishing quotas will be viewed by Westminster as an act of war.

A government spokesman said: “From now on, our aquatic friends are loyal subjects of Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom and Empress of the Seas by the grace of Our Lord Poseidon.

“The next time a foreigner tucks in to his salmon en croute, he is eating the flesh of a British citizen, and should expect nuclear retaliation.

“We have also scrapped the existing citizenship test and replaced it with one that reads ‘do you have gills?’.”

Brexit negotiations will examine the circumstances under which EU citizens and British citizens can legally kill and eat one another, a development that has been welcomed by UKIP.

Perch Tom Logan said: “Finally I can get my fin rot treated on the NHS.”