Today declared Take An E at Work Day

MILLIONS of Britons are taking pills at work to commemorate the life of ‘godfather of ecstasy’ Alexander Shulgin.

Chemist Shulgin, who died a year ago today, was instrumental in developing the drug that made repetitive dance music and stupid hats accessible to heterosexual white people.

David Cameron said: “Ecstasy changed British culture forever, making football hooligans hug and launching highly profitable dance clubs that pretended to have a no-drugs policy.

“So it is only fitting that we should all get on one today. I double dropped fluffy old school White Callies shortly before making this speech.

“I feel nice, not sexual but loving with a warm body buzz.”

Sales supervisor Nikki Hollis said: “Normally I hate my job but today we’ve made a nest out of everyone’s coats and are lying on it listening to The Orb.

“The phones are ringing but nobody cares because it doesn’t matter.”

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I feel like Bruce Willis wearing a sandwich board

Dear Holly,

Having burned a few bridges with the African-American community, I currently feel a bit like Bruce Willis wearing that sandwich board at the beginning of Die Hard With A Vengeance. You know, the rubbish one with Samuel L Jackson, not the rubbish one with him out of Justified or the rubbish one set in Russia. And the sandwich board is saying rude things about black people, not just GOLF SALE. Anyway, can you suggest a good hiding place?

Justin Bieber
Undisclosed location

Dear Justin,

My teacher says that hiding from your problems is never going to solve them: you should be brave, own up to your mistakes and take the punishment you deserve. On the face of it, this seems like good advice, but not so much when it results in you being strangled to death by your big sister for cutting out some pretty shapes from her One Direction tickets or being grounded for life for shooting next door’s dog up the bumhole with a potato gun. Ultimately, the best advice in all similar situations is simply this: Run. Run and hide.

Hope that helps,