THE Daily Mails successful campaign to charge for plastic bags has confirmed that the tabloid newspaper is effectively running the country.
Until now, few had realised the Mail is directly responsible for government policy, rather than merely influencing it via a torrent of mean-spirited reactionary drivel.
Prime minister David Cameron said: Most of our policies are now geared to Mail readers, for example banning all sitcoms except Dad’s Army and making women accept the blame for everything.”
Its funny really, because if anyone else had thought of charging for carrier bags, the Mail would have accused them of being extremist environmental loonies with rich parents and grubby dreadlocks.
Other legislation demanded by the Mail includes closing down the NHS because doctors are a bit posh and full of themselves, giving a medal to homeowners and making Kelly Brook the patron saint of ample curves.
Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre said: I dont really give a shit about carrier bags. I hate everything, so if a few preening swan bastards choke on them, so much the better.
However its vital to remind the government whos boss from time to time. Next week I might make Cameron dress as Shirley Temple and sing On The Good Ship Lollipop while I sneer at him.
And by sneer at, I mean urinate on.