LORD of the Rings characters and middle-class babies are both detached from reality with stupid names. Can you tell your Tom Bombadil from your petit bourgeoisie?
Who is Eönwë?
A) The banner-bearer and herald of Manwë, Eönwë is known in The Silmarillion as being the best with weapons in all Arda, and gave great wisdom to the Edain.
B) An eight-month-old with a verified Instagram account for his original art, which was been described by some as ‘so advanced’ and others as ‘who do they think they’re f**king kidding’.
Who is Dori?
A. A dwarf who joins Thorin Oakenshield’s Company on the quest to reclaim the Lonely Mountain and its treasures from Smaug in The Hobbit.
B. Your boss’s bratty daughter whose crap fairy cakes you are being forced to eat, even though you clearly saw her licking the icing off them five minutes ago.
Who is Chrysophylax?
A. The comically villainous dragon from Tolkien’s medieval fable Farmer Giles of Ham who invades the Middle Kingdom for a feast of livestock and eventually men.
B. A toddler wearing a purple fedora whose full name you learn when you ask their mother the foolish question, ‘Is Chris short for Christopher?’
Who is Finduilas?
A. The Children of Húrin’s elfin princess who loves Túrin deeply, although his abandonment of her gets her murdered by orcs.
B. A seven-year-old that only wears neutrally coloured smocks, and who had to be taken home early from nature studies due to a ‘biting incident’.
Who is Targon?
A. A minor character in The Return of the King who works in the storehouse and buttery for the Guards of the Citadel in Minas Tirith.
B. The boy in your child’s class who cannot have white bread because his family is morally against it.
Every name is unfortunately both. These are all characters that appear in the pages of a Tolkien story, but it’s also sadly inevitable that some twat in Clapham has a new-born called Gandalf. Still, it serves as a warning.