Tolkien character or bullshit middle class baby name? Take our quiz

LORD of the Rings characters and middle-class babies are both detached from reality with stupid names. Can you tell your Tom Bombadil from your petit bourgeoisie? 

Who is Eönwë?

A) The banner-bearer and herald of ManwëEönwë is known in The Silmarillion as being the best with weapons in all Arda, and gave great wisdom to the Edain.

B) An eight-month-old with a verified Instagram account for his original art, which was been described by some as ‘so advanced’ and others as ‘who do they think they’re f**king kidding’.

Who is Dori?

A. A dwarf who joins Thorin Oakenshield’s Company on the quest to reclaim the Lonely Mountain and its treasures from Smaug in The Hobbit.

B. Your boss’s bratty daughter whose crap fairy cakes you are being forced to eat, even though you clearly saw her licking the icing off them five minutes ago.

Who is Chrysophylax?

A. The comically villainous dragon from Tolkien’s medieval fable Farmer Giles of Ham who invades the Middle Kingdom for a feast of livestock and eventually men.

B. A toddler wearing a purple fedora whose full name you learn when you ask their mother the foolish question, ‘Is Chris short for Christopher?’

Who is Finduilas?

A. The Children of Húrin’s elfin princess who loves Túrin deeply, although his abandonment of her gets her murdered by orcs.

B. A seven-year-old that only wears neutrally coloured smocks, and who had to be taken home early from nature studies due to a ‘biting incident’.

Who is Targon?

A. A minor character in The Return of the King who works in the storehouse and buttery for the Guards of the Citadel in Minas Tirith.

B. The boy in your child’s class who cannot have white bread because his family is morally against it.


Every name is unfortunately both. These are all characters that appear in the pages of a Tolkien story, but it’s also sadly inevitable that some twat in Clapham has a new-born called Gandalf. Still, it serves as a warning.

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Woman unleashes Armageddon by leaving school mums' WhatsApp group

A WOMAN has unleashed Armageddon by removing herself from a WhatsApp group for school mums.

Emma Bradford triggered the apocalyptic conflict by leaving ‘Astrea Academy Year Nine Mums!’,  where parents in her daughter’s class share passive-aggressive messages about school uniform and homework.

Group member Mary Fisher said: “I’d just posted about my little girl’s bad cold, and was happily counting the sad-face emojis when I saw a notification saying Emma had left the chat. That’s the WhatsApp equivalent of going nuclear.

“In a matter of minutes all of the other mums had taken their sides, and we were locked in a stalemate that made the Cold War look tame. One false move and we’d all start saying what we really thought of each other.

“While this crisis sounds like it happened very quickly, the tension has been building up for ages. It’s just like China and Taiwan, only a group of mums at each other’s throats is much more terrifying.

“I don’t think anybody’s going to get out of this alive.”

Bradford added: “I had a WhatsApp tidy-up today and left all the groups I never read. I feel much lighter now, and I doubt anybody notices I’m gone anyway.”