Tories assume steel workers just become male strippers

STEELWORKERS can make a good living if they retrain as male strippers, the Conservative Party has confirmed.

The government has abandoned plans for a bail-out after drawing up a ‘foolproof strategy’ for thousands of steel industry workers.

A spokesman said: “In our efforts to find out what a ‘steel worker’ is we came across an old film about some men from Sheffield who lose their ‘steel working’ jobs and form a male striptease act.

“They became very successful and everyone was happy. Stripping for money is much more dignified than ‘steel working’ which seems to involve high temperatures and grime. Ghastly.”

He added: “If absolutely necessary we could offer low interest loans so the ‘steel workers’ can retrain as male strippers, but it does look pretty straightforward. You just take your clothes off.

“And as far as we understand, the working class parts of Britain are full of drunk, easily pleased women who will pay good money to see your naked buttocks or perhaps even a brief glimpse of your genitals.

“Off you go.”

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Gunge Tank on Noel's House Party was also liberal intolerance, Farage confirms

NIGEL Farage has confirmed that the Gunge Tank on Noel’s House Party was also an example of radical Remainers exercising liberal intolerance. 

The Brexit Party leader, who was recently hit with a £5.25 Five Guys banana milkshake and was not even grateful, blamed the 1990s show for legitimising political extremism.

He said: “Look at the people who were gunged. Mr Motivator, Pat Sharp, Edwina Currie, Jeremy Clarkson, it’s a who’s who of true patriots.

“They’d never have gunged Billy Bragg or Stephen Hawking or any of those other lefties. They didn’t even humiliate them with a Gotcha Oscar. No, only future Brexit voters, targeted to demean them in the eyes of the public.

“And so we can draw a clear line from this BBC Saturday night Marxism to the disgraceful assault on my own person, no doubt considered just family fun by a deluded perpetrator raised on the spectacle of ‘harmless’ gungings.

“This is liberal fascism, plain and simple. The moral duty to vote for the Brexit Party has never been stronger.”

House Party star Mr Blobby replied: “Blobby. Blobby, blobby blobby. Blobby blobby.”