Trafalgar Square Maze ‘Will Not Be Completely Filled With Pissed Glaswegian Tramps’

THE new maze in London’s Trafalgar Square will include some areas that have not been occupied by a foul-mouthed, Glaswegian vagrant, officials have pledged.

Your ticket to safety

The ‘green’ tourist attraction is designed to bring an element of fun to the centre of the capital, as well as creating a new public space for drunken tramps to evacuate their bowels.

Different parts of the maze are named after areas of the West End, each with an interactive display that will be covered in fresh urine and, the organisers say, perhaps even a little bit of sick.

The West End Partnership insisted the maze was a quirky way to discover the rich diversity of the area, while pleading with tourists to carry either a large kitchen knife or an air pistol.

A spokesman said: “At some point you may be lucky enough to come across ‘Big Davie’. He’ll be doing what he thinks is breakdancing. Do not give him any money.

“And, until we can track him down, there is also a good chance you’ll come face to face with ‘Robbie Razors’.

“His nickname is nothing to do with a fondness for shaving – he actually has quite a heavy beard – it’s because he will cut you.

“Meanwhile, if you somehow make it to the centre of the maze then you’ll probably encounter an old man called George.

“He used to be a journalist on the Daily Express but now spends most of his time having noisy, one-sided arguments with his dog about how Britain is controlled by a giant homosexual. Or peeing in his own face. Enjoy!”

He added: “If you do get lost then just ask for ‘Wee Malky’ and he’ll lead you to safety – though he will want paying in super lager and shiny buttons.

“But whatever you do, don’t get lost.”