Train travel complainants are Britain's fastest-growing fetish group

BRITONS are increasingly getting sexual gratification from complaining about train travel.

Staff at National Rail’s customer service line have reported a sharp increase in unintelligible noises, heavy breathing and fevered, repeated requests to be put through to the ombudsman.

Psychologist Dr Norman Steele said: “Consumers are so accustomed to disappointment that they’ve evolved a sadomasochistic reaction to mishaps.

“Some of my patients find the phrase ‘rail replacement bus service’ is such a powerful trigger that train companies have had to ban them from weekend travel.”

Eleanor Shaw, a commuter who uses networks across the South East, explained “The first time I tried to make a formal complaint about season ticket price hikes, I experienced a totally unexpected climax.

“I had to leave the ticket office and finish by sending an email at home with the curtains drawn.”

Company director Julian Cook said: “When my trip to Reading was cancelled because of a goods train derailment, the disappointment sent blood rushing involuntarily to my groin.

“I imagine Great Western Trains as a buxom lady with the flashing dark eyes of a gypsy priestess. And she has made me her pathetic, willing slave.”

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Sky launches Sky Sports Handshakes

SKY Sports is launching a new subscriber-only channel focused entirely on sporting event handshakes.

The launch follows Man City manager and lager brand Manuel Pellegrini’s refusal to shake hands with Chelsea boss José Mourinho, which experts agree was far more thrilling than the match itself.

Sky Sports Handshakes will show every handshake in the Premier League and Championship from multiple angles in slow motion with expert analysis, with the BBC broadcasting an evening highlights package.

Hastily-retrained handshake analyst Jamie Redknapp said: “Handshakes have at least as much bearing on who’ll win the league as all that 4-4-2 drivel.

“Is Moyes’s soggy lettuce leaf the reason United aren’t even in the European places? Does Mark Hughes need to stop making friends and start grinding knuckles for Stoke?

“We answer the questions, and showcase our new EagleEye handshake camera which can  pinpoint the very instant a handshake crosses the line from stridently heterosexual to having a gay subtext.”

Sports fan Bill McKay said: “Shaking hands used to be a man’s game, without all this slow clasping and caressing you get nowadays.

“Brian Clough, for example – now there was a manager – used to shake hands with rival managers by holding his hand at head height, curling the fingers into a fist and smashing it hard into their face.”