BRITONS are increasingly getting sexual gratification from complaining about train travel.
Staff at National Rail’s customer service line have reported a sharp increase in unintelligible noises, heavy breathing and fevered, repeated requests to be put through to the ombudsman.
Psychologist Dr Norman Steele said: “Consumers are so accustomed to disappointment that they’ve evolved a sadomasochistic reaction to mishaps.
“Some of my patients find the phrase ‘rail replacement bus service’ is such a powerful trigger that train companies have had to ban them from weekend travel.”
Eleanor Shaw, a commuter who uses networks across the South East, explained “The first time I tried to make a formal complaint about season ticket price hikes, I experienced a totally unexpected climax.
“I had to leave the ticket office and finish by sending an email at home with the curtains drawn.”
Company director Julian Cook said: “When my trip to Reading was cancelled because of a goods train derailment, the disappointment sent blood rushing involuntarily to my groin.
“I imagine Great Western Trains as a buxom lady with the flashing dark eyes of a gypsy priestess. And she has made me her pathetic, willing slave.”