Sunday, 1st November 2020

Trapped freshers wish they'd accepted their shit A-level results now

FRESHERS trapped in university accomodation wish they had accepted their initial A-level grades so they could be back home doing resits. 

The first-year students, self-isolating in halls of residence, being taught via laptop and told they cannot go home for Christmas, deeply regret making a fuss about an algorithm giving them crappy grades a month ago.

History student Lucy Parry said: “F**king teachers and their sky-high predicted grades. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be locked up in here.

“Why didn’t I just look at my E in English Lit, shrug my shoulders, and go back to sixth-form? It wasn’t so bad there. You could come and go as you pleased.

“Instead we forced the government into a U-turn and now I’m paying nine grand in tuition fees and five grand in rent to be watching my tutor not know how to unmute Zoom while basically in prison. F**k me.”

Education secretary Gavin Williamson said: “First, there’s no way we could possibly have predicted that students go to university in September and it’s ridiculous to say we could.

“Second, I’m sure there won’t be any consequences for pissing off exactly the same rich middle-class parents we just pissed off last month. So that’s all fine.”