Trapped freshers wish they'd accepted their shit A-level results now

FRESHERS trapped in university accomodation wish they had accepted their initial A-level grades so they could be back home doing resits. 

The first-year students, self-isolating in halls of residence, being taught via laptop and told they cannot go home for Christmas, deeply regret making a fuss about an algorithm giving them crappy grades a month ago.

History student Lucy Parry said: “F**king teachers and their sky-high predicted grades. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be locked up in here.

“Why didn’t I just look at my E in English Lit, shrug my shoulders, and go back to sixth-form? It wasn’t so bad there. You could come and go as you pleased.

“Instead we forced the government into a U-turn and now I’m paying nine grand in tuition fees and five grand in rent to be watching my tutor not know how to unmute Zoom while basically in prison. F**k me.”

Education secretary Gavin Williamson said: “First, there’s no way we could possibly have predicted that students go to university in September and it’s ridiculous to say we could.

“Second, I’m sure there won’t be any consequences for pissing off exactly the same rich middle-class parents we just pissed off last month. So that’s all fine.”

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Visit to drive-thru coronavirus test centre best family day out of 2020

SPENDING an afternoon queuing in an airport car park to be tested for Covid-19 is the best day out of 2020, families have agreed. 

The popular activity is a hit with families all over the UK, with the recent surge in demand making it more difficult than ever to nab a slot.

Mother-of-two Eleanor Shaw said: “The kids’ faces absolutely lit up when I told them Mummy had finally managed to land a coveted testing place at a drive-through centre in Kettering, a mere 140 miles away.

“We set off early, giddy with excitement, and queued for hours to get in to the conference centre car park. When we finally got to the front the children could barely contain their excitement.

“A goody-bag of throat swabs was handed through the window and my lucky son who’d had the cough got to hand it back to a man costumed in a full hazmat suit. The authenticity was incredible.

“We drove home in high spirits, chattering away, and agree it had been the best day out we’d all had since the beginning of March.

“Fingers crossed they lose our results and we get to go again next week.”