TV adverts mislead public into believing Christmas is good

SEASONAL television adverts create a false impression that Christmas is enjoyable, it has been confirmed.

Experts believe television commercials depicting harmonious families, train journeys unaffected by snow and women receiving gifts of tasteful underwear deliberately misrepresent the true horror of the festive season.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Only kids, Jesus and idiots like Christmas.

“For normal adults, you’re just in a house with near-strangers, trapped by hostile weather conditions – it’s like the aftermath of nuclear war.

“It’s worth remembering that behind the lavishly-produced story of a lovelorn snowman is a group of people who just want your credit card details.”

Professor Brubaker proposed new advertising guidelines under which the word ‘Christmas’ must always be preceded by the word ‘fucking’.

He said: “Slogans like ‘Fucking Christmas made easy’, Fucking Christmas is coming’ and ‘Fucking Christmas made fabulous’ would allow retailers to sell without creating an unrealistic expectation of universal good will.”



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Newsnight exposed as news molester

NEWSNIGHT has been exposed as a serial abuser of perfectly decent news stories.

An investigation has revealed that BBC2’s flagship current affairs programme preys on vulnerable pieces of news, promising it will treat them well before totally ruining them.

A source said: “They trawl Britain for fresh stories and then fuck them up.

“They had this really good story about Jimmy Savile which was obviously true, but they just took it to some fancy place in London and stopped it from being on the telly.

“Then they interview this guy who claimed a bad Tory man did things to him, but at no point did they ask ‘are you absolutely sure about that?’ or ‘is this him?’.”

The source added: “Nobody knows why they do it. Perhaps their brains are diseased.”

Another source said: “I accidentally walked in on an editorial meeting and they had this story in the middle of the table and they were doing the most idiotic, half-arsed things to it.

“I didn’t say anything because I was scared I’d end up being interviewed by Newsnight and they would turn it into a big pile of shite.”

Meanwhile, a BBC spokesman said it was still not clear whether Jeremy Paxman is the ringleader or a hapless stooge.