Cameron sends Schofield list of people who were intimate with rodents

DAVID Cameron has retaliated in his war with Philip Schofield by sending the TV presenter a list of ‘rodent companions’ he found on the internet.

The prime minister included a covering letter saying ‘many TV presenters worked with rodents during the 1990s’ and asked if he recognised any of the names.

The list is understood to include Schofield, Andi Peters and a number of people that you have probably guessed or would like to make-up anyway.

A Downing Street spokesman said that if television presenters wanted to bring down the Conservatives the party would not hesitate to embark on a war of total annihilation that would destroy both sides utterly.

He added: “For every Tory they smear we will smear 10 children’s TV presenters.

“The internet is awash with names of celebrities who did things in cupboards with rodents.

“If they want a witch hunt then let’s have a fucking witch hunt.”

Schofield said he had been friendly with a rodent in the 1990s but did not do anything sexually unpleasant with it ‘unlike those other famous people whose names you can find very easily on the internet’.

 

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Mitt Romney living in White House cellar

FORMER presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has been secretly living in the basement of the White House.

Romney crept in through an open window during Obama’s victory speech and made himself a crude ‘nest’ behind some boxes of old paperbacks.

Over the past few days he has been emerging into the White House at night to steal provisions and wash himself in the kitchen sink.

A White House aide said: “Sasha Obama had been complaining about ‘rats’. Turns out it was Mitt, scurrying around between the walls, looking for the president’s bedroom.

“Security found him coming out of an air vent clutching a rake.”

Romney told police that he had not intended to harm the president or his family.

He said: “My plan was to influence policymaking by whispering in Obama’s ear at night about Israel and lower taxation. He’d just think I was his subconscious mind.

“Actually, during the last week I read my way through a box of old National Geographics. It was the first non-compulsory reading I’ve done.

“Turns out pygmies are pretty amazing.”