Twats ‘more of a priority than badgers’

PLANS to shoot badgers have been postponed in favour of a twat cull.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies persuaded ministers that a reduction in Britain’s fast-growing twat population would have a greater overall benefit than killing badgers.

He said: “TB remains a threat to livestock, but the UK is rife with racists, hipsters, loan sharks and people who drive right up your arse.

“Would a badger cull really be the best use of highly-trained, government-sanctioned marksmen?

“Given we only have a finite number of bullets, is it better to dispatch a hapless mammal – or someone called ‘JT’ with a twirly  moustache who runs a viral marketing company called ‘Digital Honey’?”

Professor Brubaker outlined five key twat groups: media twats, grumpy old twats with ‘no turning’ signs in their drives, people who enjoy things ironically, Britain’s so-called ‘rock royalty’, and people who go on shamanic healing weekends.

Brubaker then explained to ignorant Conservative ministers that a shamanic healing weekend involved ‘adult men naked and crying in a forest’ after which there was a general murmuring of ‘for fuck’s sake’ and swift assent to his proposal.

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