PLANS to shoot badgers have been postponed in favour of a twat cull.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies persuaded ministers that a reduction in Britain’s fast-growing twat population would have a greater overall benefit than killing badgers.
He said: “TB remains a threat to livestock, but the UK is rife with racists, hipsters, loan sharks and people who drive right up your arse.
“Would a badger cull really be the best use of highly-trained, government-sanctioned marksmen?
“Given we only have a finite number of bullets, is it better to dispatch a hapless mammal – or someone called ‘JT’ with a twirly moustache who runs a viral marketing company called ‘Digital Honey’?”
Professor Brubaker outlined five key twat groups: media twats, grumpy old twats with ‘no turning’ signs in their drives, people who enjoy things ironically, Britain’s so-called ‘rock royalty’, and people who go on shamanic healing weekends.
Brubaker then explained to ignorant Conservative ministers that a shamanic healing weekend involved ‘adult men naked and crying in a forest’ after which there was a general murmuring of ‘for fuck’s sake’ and swift assent to his proposal.