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Twats now calling you 'buddy'

EVERY arsehole you have the misfortune to speak to now aggressively calls you ‘buddy’, Britain has confirmed. 

The twats, who can work in any field from vehicle repair to fencing installation, now automatically add ‘buddy’ to their verbal interactions while making it clear it is in no way friendly.

Julian Cook of Stevenage said: “When a man greets you with the salutation, ‘alright buddy?’ it is natural to assume fellow feeling. Natural and wrong.

“In my experience, the next stage will be to tell you you cannot park there, or this particular meadow would be an unwise place to walk through with children as he is exercising his pit bulls, or the quote he gave over the phone was ‘provisional’.

“What happened to calling someone ‘mate’ or ‘pal’ to be hostile? Why has rampant Americanism changed our language so ‘buddy’ is the new codeword of belligerence, spat out rapidly at the end of sentences designed to dishearten?

“You are not genuine when you call me ‘buddy’. We are not ‘buds’. I am not fooled. Though obviously I will continue to be polite and play along.”

Heat pump maintenance engineer Stephen Malley said: “Yeah looks like a bird’s nested in it. That’s gonna run you about three grand buddy.”

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Five things that happen the second you enter London, by your terrified mum

LONDON is the most dangerous place in the country according to your mother who last visited in 1981 for the Royal Wedding. This is what she thinks happens there: 

Your phone will get stolen

Every resident of London has their phone stolen by youths on e-bikes at least five times a day. It’s in the Mail. Statistically, that means your phone will be snatched within 28 seconds of getting off the train then twice again before lunch. You’d be much better visiting somewhere safer, like Banbury or Dubai.

You’ll encounter a migrant

Not that there’s anything wrong with migrants, of course. They’re perfectly welcome to seek refuge in London so long as they stay there. It’s just they sell vapes and aren’t qualified to cut hair and I don’t understand why they can’t be migrants in their own country. It would save them the trouble of crossing the Channel.

You’ll commit knife crime

They’re all at it: wealth managers, PR girls, Tube drivers. Everyone in London indulges in knife crime on a daily basis. Honestly, before you’ve got to Cockfosters you’ll find a big deadly blade in your coat pocket and a burning desire to use it. Do you really want to stab someone just for having the wrong postcode when you could stay here in Uttoxeter?

You’ll question your entire identity

London is a diverse, multi-cultural melting pot, and worse they think that’s normal. Even just a day trip to the Big Smoke can have you reassessing whether you’re heterosexual or need to mix race. And the evidence shows that makes property prices go through the absolute roof.

You’ll get gentrified

You as you are? Not good enough for fancy Londoners. They’ll tear down your charming, homely features and replace them with a soulless glass-and-steel construction too expensive for anyone who isn’t a finance wanker to enjoy. Bad enough, but when you come back here you’ll look terribly out-of-place and your friends will rightly bully you.

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