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UK best at giving university places to absolutely anyone

 

THE UK is the best country in Europe for awarding a university place to anybody who would like one.

According to an international survey, the country’s education system scored highly on a series of key criteria including: creating lots of universities; realising the universities need to be filled; and making it impossible to not get a place at one of those universities.

Meanwhile, British schools were also judged to be very good at deciding for themselves what constitutes an acceptable level of literacy and numeracy and then using that to prove how splendid they are.

Education secretary Michael Gove said the results would get even better once pupils are doing the new A-level in Russell Brand, before going on to do a degree in Russell Brand at the £9,000 a year Russell Brand University of the East Midlands.

 

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BBC says 'f*ck it' and replaces Patten with the Skull Cracker

THE new chairman of the BBC is a violent criminal known as the ‘Skull Cracker’.

Following Lord Patten’s departure, the Corporation insisted that viewers wanted violence and stupidity and that it was time to ‘stop dicking about’.

A spokesman added: “We just thought ‘fuck it’.”

Mr Cracker said: “There’s going to be shit loads of Danny Dyer. He is my David Attenborough.”

The chairman immediately unveiled new prime-time programmes, including Strictly Come Getting Hit on the Head, MasterBastard and David Dimbleby Cries Like a Girl.

He added: “Some people in the BBC may not want to work on a show called MasterBastard, but they will because I’m not the ‘Let’s Have a Meeting Cracker’.”

Mr Cracker also revealed he will sack Jeremy Clarkson, insisting the BBC ‘is no place for casual racism and I want to use his salary to buy a massive boat’.

He continued: “It’s a shame Paxman has left Newsnight. I liked him. Anyway, I’m going to replace him with my mate Dave. If Dave had been in the chair Michael Howard would have had one fucking chance to answer that question.”

Mr Cracker said that Crimewatch will continue ‘but with a radically different premise’.

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