UK To Cut Immigrant Numbers By Teaching Them To Read The Daily Mail

THE government is to cut the number of immigrants applying for UK citizenship by teaching them how to read the Daily Mail, it has been confirmed.

Jan Moir in action

Ministers believe that using the newspaper as the main teaching resource in English language classes should persuade more than 90% of applicants to go straight back home.

The plan, described by BNP leader Nick Griffin as a ‘stroke of genius’, will see each new immigrant handed 10 copies of the Daily Mail, a box of high-strength paracetamol and a bucket.

Rahman Ahmed, a carpenter from a small village in northern Bangladesh who signed up to the pilot programme, revealed it took him just 90 seconds to realise he had made a ‘terrible, terrible mistake’.

Standing at the the check-in queue at Heathrow airport, he said: “It not just fact that you all obviously hate me – I prepared for that – it that so many of you seem fascinated with fatness or thinness of stupid, talentless women.

“Then I notice how you all in constant panic about whether or not to eat tomatoes. Some days they are best thing ever, other days they kill you. I am thinking ‘this is not product of healthy brain’.”

He added: “And I afraid I simply cannot live in country where people like Jan Moir are not fed to ravenous leopards in front of large, happy crowd.”

Ahmed’s friend and fellow student Khaled Assani said: “After five minutes I have to look up my Bengali-English dictionary for phrase ‘demented fascist’. I go home now. Leave me be.”

Meanwhile officials insist the newspaper’s attitude to women should be particularly effective in persuading the wives and fiancees of immigrants to attempt to swim back to the country of their birth if they cannot afford the air fare.

A Home Office spokesman said: “To women from muslim countries, the Daily Mail should makes Islamic fundamentalism seem like a Germaine Greer seminar on the power of the vagina.”