UK To Cut Immigrant Numbers By Teaching Them To Read The Daily Mail

THE government is to cut the number of immigrants applying for UK citizenship by teaching them how to read the Daily Mail, it has been confirmed.

Ministers believe that using the newspaper as the main teaching resource in English language classes should persuade more than 90% of applicants to go straight back home.

The plan, described by BNP leader Nick Griffin as a ‘stroke of genius’, will see each new immigrant handed 10 copies of the Daily Mail, a box of high-strength paracetamol and a bucket.

Rahman Ahmed, a carpenter from a small village in northern Bangladesh who signed up to the pilot programme, revealed it took him just 90 seconds to realise he had made a ‘terrible, terrible mistake’.

Standing at the the check-in queue at Heathrow airport, he said: “It not just fact that you all obviously hate me – I prepared for that – it that so many of you seem fascinated with fatness or thinness of stupid, talentless women.

“Then I notice how you all in constant panic about whether or not to eat tomatoes. Some days they are best thing ever, other days they kill you. I am thinking ‘this is not product of healthy brain’.”

He added: “And I afraid I simply cannot live in country where people like Jan Moir are not fed to ravenous leopards in front of large, happy crowd.”

Ahmed’s friend and fellow student Khaled Assani said: “After five minutes I have to look up my Bengali-English dictionary for phrase ‘demented fascist’. I go home now. Leave me be.”

Meanwhile officials insist the newspaper’s attitude to women should be particularly effective in persuading the wives and fiancees of immigrants to attempt to swim back to the country of their birth if they cannot afford the air fare.

A Home Office spokesman said: “To women from muslim countries, the Daily Mail should makes Islamic fundamentalism seem like a Germaine Greer seminar on the power of the vagina.”


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Spend All The Money On Me, Everyone Tells Osborne

PUBLIC spending should be cut on everything except all the stuff I use, everyone in Britain said today.

As chancellor George Osborne launched a wide ranging consultation on how the government should spend public money, the public said it obviously wanted everything all the time.

Martin Bishop, from York, said: “Times are hard and we cannot possibly afford to go on spending money on everyone. So I’ve drawn up a list. At the moment it’s just me and the guy that fixes my car.”

Joanna Kramer, from Hatfield, said: “I’ve never understood why there are quite so many schools. Obviously my children need to go to school, but I’m not sure about other people’s, given that they’re so ghastly and pointless.”

Bill McKay, from Peterborough, added: “We should be using public money to cut NHS waiting lists for me.

“We need to make the system more efficient by ensuring I have my own personal doctor who sits around all day waiting for me to get sick and then comes to my house and lives there until I get better.

“And I want a great big fucking boat as well.”

The consultation will also ask which services should be provided by the government and which should be provided by other organisations that have no idea what they’re doing.

Mary Fisher, from Hitchin, said: “I think that the public sector should look after me while everyone else should be looked after by Save the Children and Top Shop.”

Meanwhile some taxpayers have even attempted to bribe the chancellor with cakes and favours. Father of two, Nathan Muir, wrote to Mr Osborne, saying: “I’ll make you a Battenburg. I’ll paint your shed. I’ll come to your house and do delicate things to your scrotum. Unfortunately what I can’t do is austerity. It gives me diarrhea.”

The moves comes a day after prime minister David Cameron warned that Britain was somehow going to get worse.

He said: “Some say it’s impossible to find something in Britain that still works, but I pledge to find that thing and then batter the holy living shit out of it with a spade.”

The government also confirmed it is to copy Canada’s deficit cutting methods, which involved playing Bryan Adams CDs very loudly outside the homes and offices of their creditors until they either cancelled the debt or killed themselves.