UKIP members ‘must integrate with society’

UKIP supporters can only flourish in modern society by breaking out of their closed communities of aging bigots, experts believe.

Researchers have found that the ghettoised communities which UKIP voters live in directly lead to their deep-seated hatred of ordinary British life and extremist views about Gary Lineker being a traitor.

Dr Susan Traherne said: “By not integrating, Ukippers come to believe in worryingly irrational ideas like everyone in Turkey planning to live here and it being illegal to own a golliwog.

“It’s vital they are made to talk with normal people to show them it’s actually a bit mental to carry on like Enoch Powell because of the occasional Polski Sklep.

“But sadly they prefer to remain shut indoors, dangerously radicalising each other on Facebook, plotting the destruction of everyone under 40’s way of life.”

UKIP member Roy Hobbs said: “I’m not weird, I just don’t want to be ruled by Herr Merkel’s Brussels bumboys and think we should nuke Gibraltar to stop the dagoes getting it.

“Everyone thinks that. It’s normal.”

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Who the f**k is buying these spinning tops, say internet users

INTERNET users want to know who exactly the fuck is buying these titanium spinning tops that are advertised on every website. 

The spinning tops, crafted in a wide variety of metal finishes, are being advertised as if they were trainers or laptops or something useful despite being very much not.

Currency trader Julian Cook: “Spinning tops? The fuck?

“I’ve clicked on it, after the 90th time, and they seem to skip straight over the question of why anyone would need one and straight to choosing the top that’s right for you.

“I mean personally I’d go tungsten, it’s heavier and classier, but what the fuck am I thinking?

“I don’t want a spinning top, I’m not in Inception. Even if I could afford the full 16-top set with professional spinning base and wouldn’t the office be impressed with me.”

A spokesman said: “You haven’t got a spinning top? Not even our starter’s aluminum one?

“But what do you spin?”