UK's retirement plan is to wing it

BRITONS are sort of assuming they’ll be able to busk it through years of declining health, it has emerged.

Government data show pension contributions are at their lowest since 1957 with Britons increasingly of the opinion that it’s good to be spontaneous about things like retirement.

Confidence in occupational pensions has also withered, many employees believing their workplace could be a smouldering hole in the ground by the time they get back from lunch.

Martin Bishop, chief analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Decades of short-termist economics has inevitably produced a generation that think buying a multipack of crisps is a long-term commitment. It’s like the circle of ah-fuck-it-something-will-come-up.”

“The financial plan for most people interviewed involved a lottery win, poncing off their as-yet unborn children or some hazy business scheme involving selling artisan cheese from home.”

Bishop has predicted that by 2050, one in three people in Britain will be a pensioner begging for change on public transport with the line, ‘I’m not a druggie, sorry for bothering you today folks’.

He added: “The lack of savings could result in a ‘pensions timebomb’ that will detonate in a shower of septuagenarians sleeping on friends’ couches until they get themselves sorted out and occasionally mugging teenagers for cigarettes.”

Wayne Hayes, a feckless income-fritterer from Carlisle in his mid thirties, said: “I haven’t decided on a pension yet but I’m absolutely certain that I want a new plasma screen TV for the upstairs toilet, so you can see the difficult position I’m in.

“Anyway, I’m sure that in thirty years’ time scientists will have invented some kind of special tablet I can take that will keep me in trendy hats and Knight Rider Blu-Ray box sets.”



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Anti-religious protestors occupy London Stock Exchange

A GROUP of anti-Church of England protestors has taken up residence in the London Stock Exchange, it has emerged.

The protestors moved in last night, forming a makeshift tent settlement, and citing their inalienable right to take their grievances to people who’ve got very little, if anything at all, to do with the thing they’re protesting about.

Demonstration organiser Emma Bradford said: “For too long, the Church of England has lagged behind on moral issues and failed to speak out on matters of social injustice.  

“And that’s why we’re taking the inexplicable step of occupying somewhere only connected to that issue by the most tenuous of links, the London Stock Exchange.

“Unless the financial bosses of the UK listen to our plea – which, admittedly, has sod-all to do with them –  and radically restructure the Church of England,  we will have little choice but to maintain our presence here, practicing circus skills and drinking tea from Thermoses.”

She continued: “We considered a number of locations on the basis that they were entirely inappropriate to our cause, including the London Eye, the Sea of Tranquillity, the kids’ ball pit at the Early Learning Centre and my mate Graham’s garage.

“But we eventually decided on the London Stock Exchange, for the deep emotional and spiritual connection to our cause that it almost entirely lacks.”

Trader Stephen Malley said of the protest: “The drumming is rather wearing but some of the girls are very attractive and I fully intend to ply them with champagne.”