Under 15s 'Should Not Be Allowed To Fly Planes'

CHILDREN under the age of 15 should never be allowed to fly a passenger jet, not even for five minutes, according to the chief medical officer.

Sir Liam Donaldson said the advice may seem obvious, but too many parents are still allowing their child to take the family car, drive to the airport and start fiddling about in the cockpit of a Boeing 737.

He added: "We've all heard stories about people who flew 350 passengers from Heathrow to JFK when they were 12 and it never did them any harm, but there are many more who had to ditch in the Atlantic and then wait for their parents to come and clean up the mess."

Sir Liam has issued new guidance outlining all the things children are not supposed to do, including chainsaw testing, running a major clearing bank, 'crack-whoring' and 24-hour tequila snorting contests.

But Kyle Stephenson, 14, from Berwick Upon Tweed, said: "The bank thing I can understand – and maybe the crack-whoring – but I love flying planes and getting drunk.

"And at least when I drink I do fun things like setting fire to old mattresses and laying waste to entire communities, instead of getting a bit racist and then trying to touch my neighbour's wife on the tits."

Six year-old wine connoisseur, Gemma Bishop, also attacked the plans, adding: "I have developed a keen palate and have a particular fondness for a late harvest merlot, especially with Coco-Pops.

"But I don't really like Pinot Grigio, mainly because it tastes of poo and bogies."

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Grandparents Advised To Gay It Up A Bit

ELDERLY couples who are hoping to adopt their grandchildren are being advised to gay it up a bit.

Experts claim grandfathers will have greater success if they wear bright pink lipstick, talk like a hairdresser and make flamboyant hand gestures.

Tom Logan, an assistant director of social work in Birmingham, said: "When it comes to the interview, grandad should be as nancy as possible.

"Granny can either dress-up and pretend to be his Latino lover-boy or just pose as a lesbo fag-hag.

"Either way most social work departments would rather give the children to a couple of weird, bi-curious transvestites than some old Tory with a Rover 200 and a bag of toffees."

The guidance comes as new figures reveal that most British children are now being raised by gayboy lesbians.

In Nottingham the local council is taking children from stable, traditional family homes and placing them with any old homosexual who walks in off the street.

Meanwhile in Gloucester an all-male ménage a trois has been allowed to adopt 48 children who they like to dress up in little leather shorts and play a game called 'hot gay disco'.
 
But family campaigners say they have amassed a huge amount of made-up evidence which proves that children raised by gays will turn into violent morons and drug addicts, just like the heterosexual parents they were taken from.

Bill McKay, director of Families, Families, Families, said: "Invariably these children are placed with two men who are not only gentle and sensitive to the needs of others, but also highly educated, prosperous, and in a long-term, stable relationship. They don't stand a chance."