What Is Your Fucking Problem? Britain Asks IMF

THE government has written to the International Monetary Fund to ask it what its fucking problem is.

As the latest IMF report described the UK as 'a horrible old man, covered in bits of food and reeking of piss' ministers were like 'where the fuck did that come from?'.  

The IMF said that if anyone still cared Britain should probably be fed through a tube and forced to use the toilet rather than just doing it in a chair.

But last night chancellor Alistair Darling was like: "Hang on a minute, how come it's always us?

"The Germans are all fucked-up but you don't go round telling everyone that Germany's a fuckwit. Then there's the Italians. Are you saying we're worse than the fucking Italians? Oh, and in case you hadn't noticed, Iceland!

"What does IMF stand for anyway? International Mother Fuckers?"

The chancellor said you didn't get it from him but he heard Spain has been giving blow jobs to the IMF in a cubicle in the gents' toilets.

An IMF spokesman said: "Do you really want to know why? Fine. Your banks were the entire basis of your economy and now they're shite. Your currency is used bogroll, you don't make anything of any value, you're governed by clueless arseholes and 99% of your population is up to its tits in debt. That's why."

Mr Darling added: "Yeah, fair enough."

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Cabinet Minutes To Reveal Pre-War Blood Sacrifice

MINUTES from Cabinet meetings in the run up to the Iraq war are expected to reveal how key decisions were made during a blood soaked voodoo ritual.

The High Court yesterday ordered the government to publish the historic records and release any animal parts that may have been kept.

One former minister said: "We based our deliberations on a classic central African goat sacrifice with a little bit of extra mogambo thrown in to keep the UN happy.

"The live goat was hoisted above the centre of the table while Patricia Hewitt stripped to the waist, painted a series of concentric circles on her belly and then grabbed a small, curved knife and slit the animal's throat.

"Everyone then had to take a mouthful of the blood and spit it at a picture of Saddam Hussein. Charles Clarke did it twice.

"Then [former attorney general Lord] Goldsmith sliced open the carcass and the entrails fell into the middle of the table.

"He began chanting and rearranging the intestines, spleen, liver and heart until they formed a special pattern which he said constituted the legal basis for a pre-emptive attack.

"The whole time Tony Blair just sat there with his eyes rolled back in his head, making this weird gurgling noise."

According to the source the cabinet then put their clothes back on and the meeting ended, as normal, with the ritual befoulment of international development secretary Douglas Alexander.