Firm offers 'twats-only' activity holidays

A BRITISH travel firm is the first in the world to offer activity holidays guaranteed to be filled with twats.

Activities Abroad said the last thing a twat wants is to find itself on some stupid adventure holiday with people who are not utter twats.

This year the firm is offering a money-back guarantee that every trip will be filled with people named Ollie, Charlie, Harry, Benji, Zara, Tamara, and Cara.

A spokesman said: “During our two-week Lapland Twat-Fest you will sleep with the huskies, share their food and gulp down crisp, clean air so cold it will strip your windpipe and turn your eyes into useless blocks of frozen jelly.

“By day you will hang on for dear life as your sled is chased by a giant, psychotic moose and the urine soaks silently through your designer ski pants.

“By night you will sit around the campfire eating dog food and chatting with your fellow twats about how working for a big corporation really kills your soul and how it’s great to reconnect with nature in the company of complete twats.

“Think of all the stories you will be able to tell at your twat-filled dinner parties, as you pass round photos of you in a wooly hat and a pair of wraparound shades looking like such an unbearable twat.”

Twat holidaymaker Ollie Roberts added: “The word ‘holiday’ is not even in my vocabulary, apart from when I tell people that.

“My best trip so far was being parachuted half-naked into a Slovenian forest where I spent two weeks eating bear droppings and living in a ditch filled with rotting vole intestines. Best £17,000 of my father’s money I’ve ever spent.”

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I Warned Of Crisis Ten Years Ago Then Did Absolutely Nothing About It, Says Brown

GORDON Brown yesterday said he warned of the financial crisis 10 years ago but did nothing to stop it because, quite frankly, he wants us all dead.

In a speech to the Foreign Press Association in London, Mr Brown said: "At any point I could have stepped in and made the necessary changes that would at least have protected the UK, what with me being chancellor of the exchequer and everything. But then I thought 'where's the fun in that?'.

"I was watching that new Batman film the other night and there's a bit where Michael Caine – he plays the butler – says that 'some men aren't looking for anything logical, some men just want to watch the world burn'. That's me, that is.

"Now some people are saying that my bank bail outs aren't working and if I'm not careful I'll end up destroying our entire financial system and bankrupting the country. Well, d'uh!"

Mr Brown added: "I'm not right in the head. I've been setting fire to stuff recently. Just small stuff. Books, furniture, cats.

"They keep giving me these little yellow pills, but I don't think they're working. If anything they make me even angrier and I just want to start bigger and bigger fires.

"I guess it's only a matter of days now before I set fire to a car. Then it'll be a church, a hospital, a row of quaint, terraced cottages. I'm just letting you know."