EXCEPTIONAL students will be offered a guaranteed loss of virginity by universities vying to recruit them, it has emerged.
Sexual incentives for students with high grades include everything from full ‘introductory intercourse’ with a kind, pretty member of the opposite gender in a meaningful context with mood lighting to mutual masturbation with an ageing lab technician.
Tom Logan, deputy bursar at Roehampton University, said: “Universities have finally cottoned onto the fact that very bright teenagers are often socially and sexually inept, and are likely to still be wearing ‘the V-neck jumper’ when they leave school.
“Offering free sex should prove especially useful in recruiting gifted engineering students, 49% of whom currently die as virgins.”
AAB science student Stephen Malley accepted a place at the University of Polytechnic on the basis that he would get a 12 minute sexual experience with a sober female.
He said: “There were other factors too, such as the excellent library, good laboratory facilities and wide-ranging social activities. But mainly it was because of the vagina.
“Once you’ve matriculated, you are asked your sexuality and are then pointed towards the appropriate queue. Basically there are two Portakabins, each containing a male or female prostitute.
“Overall the intercourse was excellent with only a slight underlying anxiety that I was being covertly graded on my sexual performance, which was definitely below A* level.”