University fresher wondering how first person he met became his best mate

A UNIVERSITY fresher has no idea how he became best friends with the first student he spoke to.

Engineering student Tom Booker met fellow first-year Wayne Hayes on their induction day at the University of Nottingham. They have since spent every waking moment together, despite having nothing in common except that they are both secretly missing their mums.

Tom Booker said: “We met when we were both in a corridor confused, I was like ‘Is Room 4B this way?’ and he replied ‘I’m looking for 4B too.’ At the time it seemed like such a crazy coincidence that we were both looking for Room 4B, and a reasonable basis for an incredibly close friendship that transcends even brotherhood.

“It’s quite surprising that we are now best friends as we don’t actually have much in common. I’m sporty and he’s a gamer, I like going out drinking and he likes sitting in his room blazing up.

“He’s not even funny! His best man speech is going to be shite.”

Wayne Hayes said: “I can tell he’s thinking of ditching me as soon as he meets some ‘cool people’. That sucker doesn’t realise I’ve just joined the Fantasy Roleplaying and Wargames Society, where I plan to really ‘find myself’ and have a lot of sexual intercourse.”

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Midges and wasps can just f**k off, says Attenborough

SIR David Attenborough has called for new measures to protect wildlife ‘except wasps and midges who can just fuck off’.

The TV naturalist said: “If bees were to disappear from the face of the earth, humans would have just four years left to live. But if all the midges and wasps died, no-one would give a tuppenny shit.

“Seriously, what good have they ever done? Just flying around biting and stinging people like an absolute bag of dicks.”

Sir David urged new restrictions on plastic to protect marine life while calling for new and incredibly dangerous plastics that could be used to ‘fuck-up wasps and midges’.

He added: “Fuck ’em all. The little bastards. Ticks and fleas can fuck off too.”