Urban homeowner pretending to be happy about graffiti

AN URBAN homeowner is insisting he loves the graffiti that has appeared on his wall.

Before purchasing the property, Tom Booker told friends he was looking forward to living in a gritty neighbourhood with real character and was quick to confirm his joy at the random images and scrawl.

Booker said: “One of the best things about buying in a real, living neighbourhood is the pop-up art around the place. I’m not at all annoyed there is now some on the house I saved up for years to buy.

“There’s a really raw, edgy quality to it. They’ve obviously gone to a lot of trouble drawing that stylised dog. Or it could be a machine gun. It’s hard to tell.

“OK it’s not a Banksie but it definitely adds character. On the cock they’ve drawn the balls aren’t symmetrical but the bellend is pretty much perfect.”

Friend Francesca Johnson said: “There’s no way Tom really likes the graffiti, but then he did claim the potholes filled with McDonald’s wrappers on his road were ‘indicative of a thriving community’.”

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Women 'too weak to work in offices and could be witches', say bosses

COMPANIES have denied their reasons for not employing women at senior levels are completely pathetic.

FTSE firms said their reasons were perfectly valid, despite including things like women being too weak to operate computers and easily becoming distracted by knitting.

Recruitment expert Tom Logan said: “Excuses ranged from women being ‘too pretty to be interested in business’ to the possibility that they could somehow ‘explode in the heat’.

“We expected businesses to struggle to explain themselves, but they were only too keen to tell us they didn’t employ women for bizarre reasons like ‘they might be witches and put a hex on you’.

Chief executive Norman Steele said: “Women could easily faint and slip under the boardroom table and die. Also it’s well known they can’t see glass, which is a major health and safety issue.

“In any case our board member Dave is representing women on their behalf, because he has three daughters.”

Businesswoman Emma Bradford said: “I was denied a place on the board because a senior partner was convinced I would leave a trail of glitter everywhere. Which is fair enough.”

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