Utter dickhead wants to know why his relationships keep going wrong

A DICKHEAD does not understand why women keep dumping him.

Marketing executive Tom Logan cannot understand why women keep dumping him despite constantly doing things that are insensitive, selfish or just weird.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Tom always comes to me for advice when he’s been chucked, then reveals he’s done something dickish like saying he prefers women with larger breasts.

“I felt really sorry for him when Emma dumped him but it turned out he’d always leave immediately after having sex and go back to his own flat for ‘a proper night’s kip’.

“He used to treat another girlfriend as a free taxi service, and would make her watch Jason Statham films at the cinema.”

Logan said: “I’ve had a lot of bad luck with relationships, like Suzi who wouldn’t lend me £3,000 to buy a car even though we could have done romantic things like stopping for sex on long, boring journeys.

“Part of the problem is that I’m too sensitive. If someone’s got issues like being stressed at work or a bereavement I can’t listen to them because it makes me too sad.

“I’d definitely be up for a threesome if someone offered to buy me a Playstation.”

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Man spends ages in wine aisle in desperate bid to feel sophisticated

A MAN who wasted half an hour looking at wine eventually chose the bottle with the nicest label, he has confirmed.

Nathan Muir loitered in the wine aisle at his local Waitrose reading the back of several bottles even though he really wanted to buy a six-pack of Carling and ‘a lot of Monster Munch’.

Muir said: “I’ve got this vague bullshit notion that as a modern man I should have some knowledge about wine that goes beyond the fact that mixing red and white does not make rosé.

“I thought that if I stood around in the wine aisle some of the sophistication would rub off on me and I would meet a clever, sexy woman, but neither of those things happened.

“I just read a load of complete shit about woody undertones that made me feel both strangely inadequate and incredibly irritated.”

Muir added: “All there really is to know is that white wine tastes like piss and red wine tastes like vinegar. But everyone is impressed if it there’s an old fashioned drawing of a fancy French house on the label.”