Vatican blames abuse on 60s culture of free paedophilic love

CHILD-abusing priests got carried away by the freewheeling ‘paedo power’ culture of the 1960s, according to the Vatican.

The Catholic church claimed that overly-attentive middle-aged priests’ minor errors of judgement could be blamed on the whole laid-back tie-dyed use-your-authority-position-to predate-on-vulnerable-children culture of the era.

A Vatican spokesman said: “The sixties was just such a crazy time, it was basically all about free child love. Young priests are only human, and of course were influenced by long-haired pop stars singing about how it’s cool to bugger choirboys.

“It all culminated with Boystock, that notorious festival where Jimi Hendrix sang Voodoo Chile, about a chorister whose cherubic looks conceal the wickedness that lurks within.

“And then The Animals came on and did House of the Kneeling Son.”

He added: “Everywhere you looked there were paedophiles in VW camper vans luring children with sub-Santana jazz fusion guitar noodling. The whole thing was one big crazy whirl of patchouli oil, bandanas and devious manipulation.

“In hindsight it all seems terribly hedonistic, but you can see how a young, newly-ordained man in the prime of life might get a bit carried away with the beautiful creepiness of it all.”

Former hippie, Nathan Muir, said: “We baby boomers have a lot to answer for – dream catchers, mud wrestling, and funky, laid back multi-national ice cream corporations – but this seems unfair.

“Then again, The Freak Brothers did look rather chilling, especially Fat Freddy.”


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Apprentice viewers realise contestants have no identities

THE latest batch of hopefuls on The Apprentice are known even to themselves by generic names like ‘The Blonde Woman’, it emerged last night.

It has been confirmed the competitors are distinguishable from each other only by hair colour and gender, due to a total absence of other human attributes.

One contestant, who calls himself ‘Scottish Brown Haired Man’, wrote on the application form that he lived in ‘a building’ and that his next-of-kin was ‘another person’.

A BBC spokesman said: “It’s like they hatched out of pods. Creepy, but also confusing because there are three people called ‘Brown-Haired Woman’.

“For expediency’s sake we tried giving them numbers but they all started fighting over who was going to be ‘Brown-Haired Woman 1’, with each saying that it should be them because they had the most management experience.

“I think we can safely say that they’re not what we would understand as ‘people’. We suspect they’re some sort of drifting, cosmic fungus that has hit Earth and started shopping in Tie Rack.”

Bill, the father of one of the contestants, said: “There was a big electrical storm over our house and nine months later my wife gave birth to ‘The Gingery Woman’. Even then she looked about 30.

“I remember her first words were all weird, nonsensical conflations like ‘Posi-centivise’ and ‘Super-tivity’. We never bonded.

“After about two weeks she encased my wife in a gelatinous cocoon and went off to do a marketing degree at Wolverhampton University.

“So she’s on the telly now is she?”