ESTATE agents are dutybound to polish even the most awful of turds. Here’s how they’d present these nightmare scenarios.
Being surrounded by several pubs might seemed like a dream come true for the discerning drinker. However, rather than being pleasant gastro-pubs for middle class people who enjoy a glass of wine, these are scary dens full of drug dealing criminals and students who will use your front garden as a place to vomit up snakebite on a nightly basis.
Vibrant al fresco dating scene
While the estate agent is trying to make you focus on the property’s south-facing conservatory, you’re more concerned with the lay-by across the road full of used condoms. The excellent local amenities will be scant consolation when you’re woken at 2am by the loud grunts of two doggers shagging on the bonnet of a Vauxhall Astra.
Lively artistic community
The estate agent will try to set your mind at ease about the fact that you saw a massive amount of graffiti around the local streets by saying that there’s a buzzing local art scene. A poorly rendered cock-and-balls across the front of your house isn’t exactly Banksy, however, and won’t have done much for the price of it when you inevitably decide to move again in six months time.
Thriving local wildlife
Being surrounded by nature is many people’s dream, but your estate agent doesn’t mean you’ll hear the tweeting of birds and see cute hedgehogs in the garden. They’re letting you know that the place is over-run with frighteningly confident urban foxes who will use your garden as a big, open toilet.
Safe and vigilant neighbourhood
This is your estate agent’s way of saying that not only will your neighbours look out for you, they’ll be a massive pain in the arse. You’ll be surrounded by the type of twats who’ll complain to the council the first week you forget to cut your grass, saying that you’re bringing the neighbourhood into ‘disrepute’. Wankers.