'Vibrant al fresco dating scene': How an estate agent will describe dogging next to your house

ESTATE agents are dutybound to polish even the most awful of turds. Here’s how they’d present these nightmare scenarios.

Thrilling nightlife

Being surrounded by several pubs might seemed like a dream come true for the discerning drinker. However, rather than being pleasant gastro-pubs for middle class people who enjoy a glass of wine, these are scary dens full of drug dealing criminals and students who will use your front garden as a place to vomit up snakebite on a nightly basis.

Vibrant al fresco dating scene

While the estate agent is trying to make you focus on the property’s south-facing conservatory, you’re more concerned with the lay-by across the road full of used condoms. The excellent local amenities will be scant consolation when you’re woken at 2am by the loud grunts of two doggers shagging on the bonnet of a Vauxhall Astra.

Lively artistic community

The estate agent will try to set your mind at ease about the fact that you saw a massive amount of graffiti around the local streets by saying that there’s a buzzing local art scene. A poorly rendered cock-and-balls across the front of your house isn’t exactly Banksy, however, and won’t have done much for the price of it when you inevitably decide to move again in six months time.

Thriving local wildlife

Being surrounded by nature is many people’s dream, but your estate agent doesn’t mean you’ll hear the tweeting of birds and see cute hedgehogs in the garden. They’re letting you know that the place is over-run with frighteningly confident urban foxes who will use your garden as a big, open toilet.

Safe and vigilant neighbourhood

This is your estate agent’s way of saying that not only will your neighbours look out for you, they’ll be a massive pain in the arse. You’ll be surrounded by the type of twats who’ll complain to the council the first week you forget to cut your grass, saying that you’re bringing the neighbourhood into ‘disrepute’. Wankers.

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Five suspiciously exotic cuisines your local scary pub has started serving

THE only thing scarier than a pub with bikers and broken glass outside is that same pub with a ‘Try our new tasting menu’ sign. Here are some cuisines that will make you want to stick to crisps.

Indian street food

‘Street food’ is defined as something small and portable that you can eat without utensils, which this pub has been serving for years in the form of pickled eggs. Putting a tray of microwaved Asda samosas behind the bar is unlikely to lure new customers, especially when they realise they’ll have to consume them while standing next to a man who goes by the name of Nutter.

Mexican

Despite your dreams of crispy tacos filled with flavourful barbecued lamb, what you’re actually going to get is a plate of Doritos covered in mysterious, boiling hot orange gloop. Essentially it’s an overpriced laxative that will hurt even more when it comes out the other end.

Vegan

The ethics of being ‘cruelty free’ in a pub known for having a creepy aviary full of mangy birds in the garden is questionable, but they’re having a bash at attracting students from the nearby halls. However, the students are only here for the 2-for-1 spirits and will completely ignore the Quorn nuggets in a basket in favour of a quadruple vodka.

Anything fusion

If you’ve heard the bar staff’s take on Brexit, you do not need to taste their take on fusing Greek cuisine with Italian classics. In fact, if you even enquire about the menu they’ll probably tell you to go back to where you come from, despite the fact you went to school with them. The only thing that should be mixed in this pub is the spirits.

Sushi

Any fish – even a bone dry, beer-battered cod – is not to be trusted in an establishment that thinks Fosters is a premium lager. Best avoided, as ordering the California rolls in this place is an even bigger invitation for death than telling the guy next to you that you think his neck tattoo is ‘a bit girly’.