THE Campaign for Common Sense Clamping scored a fresh victory last night as a clamper was killed and his mutilated body put on display as a warning to others.
Hard-working teacher Nikki Hollis struck a blow for middle Britain after her car was clamped simply because she had left it parked overnight on two ambiguous yellow lines.
Within minutes a group of ordinary, hard-working Britons had come to her aid and helped her disembowel the clamper.
Hollis said: “I was crying because of getting clamped and a couple of men stopped to ask if I was alright. Before I knew it a helpful mob had formed, clutching boat hooks, bottles and bits of jagged, rusty tin.
“The clamper, who had been blatantly unresponsive to my pleas to stop putting a clamp on my car, changed his tune and started to beg for his life in a typically dishonest, slippery sort of way.
“He said he had kids but that’s just something they’re trained to say.”
Sick to death of this sort of thing, the crowd pinned clamper Stephen Malley to the road, whipped out his lungs and intestines and forced his still-twitching body into a cage that was then suspended from a nearby oak tree.
Ordinary disemboweller Tom Logan said: “I did tumesce slightly in my pants as he begged for his life, but my wife has since reassured me that I’m not gay, I’m just aroused by suffering.”
Hollis said she was satisfied with the outcome, adding: “I’ve been clamped a few times and although it really ruins your day, I’ve always just paid up. It had never crossed my mind to kill them.
“I hope magpies take his eyeballs.”