Victory for common sense as clamper hung on a gibbet

THE Campaign for Common Sense Clamping scored a fresh victory last night as a clamper was killed and his mutilated body put on display as a warning to others.

Hard-working teacher Nikki Hollis struck a blow for middle Britain after her car was clamped simply because she had left it parked overnight on two ambiguous yellow lines.

Within minutes a group of ordinary, hard-working Britons had come to her aid and helped her disembowel the clamper.

Hollis said: “I was crying because of getting clamped and a couple of men stopped to ask if I was alright. Before I knew it a helpful mob had formed, clutching boat hooks, bottles and bits of jagged, rusty tin.

“The clamper, who had been blatantly unresponsive to my pleas to stop putting a clamp on my car, changed his tune and started to beg for his life in a typically dishonest, slippery sort of way.

“He said he had kids but that’s just something they’re trained to say.”

Sick to death of this sort of thing, the crowd pinned clamper Stephen Malley to the road, whipped out his lungs and intestines and forced his still-twitching body into a cage that was then suspended from a nearby oak tree.

Ordinary disemboweller Tom Logan said:  “I did tumesce slightly in my pants as he begged for his life, but my wife has since reassured me that I’m not gay, I’m just aroused by suffering.”

Hollis said she was satisfied with the outcome, adding: “I’ve been clamped a few times and although it really ruins your day, I’ve always just paid up. It had never crossed my mind to kill them.

“I hope magpies take his eyeballs.”



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Go now, dog-faced Stargate aliens tell Mubarak

HOSNI Mubarak has been urged to resign by the dog-faced space aliens who founded Egypt more than 8,000 years ago.

The warning came as the Egyptian leader insisted he would stay in office until September as he still has six months left on his presidential O2 iPhone contract and he was not about to pay £24.99 a month for something he couldn’t even use.

But Mubarak’s defiance was met with a stark warning from Ra, the transgender alien superbeing who built the pyramids but accidentally left behind a large circular stone gateway that could yet prove to be his or her undoing.

In a message beamed simultaneously through the Stargate and  Twitter, Ra said: “You have displeased me son of Osiris. Make way for a new son of Ra. Or the army. Or some other corrupt, tinpot Pharaoh. Or maybe even those crazy Muslim guys. Whatever.”

Ra said that if Mubarak did not resign by Saturday 50 million inter-galactic soldiers wearing scary metal dog heads would storm through the Stargate and start fucking things up in scenes that would make Roland Emmerich look like Woody Allen.

A massive spaceship shaped like a pyramid would then land on top of a pyramid, crushing it like a paper cup, before Ra himself steps forth in all her majesty and starts firing deadly lasers from his white-hot eyes.

Sources close to the god-like extra terrestrial say she is furious at being distracted by events in Egypt as he wants to devote more time to Stargate Atlantis and that new one with the nutter from Trainspotting.

But Mubarak dismissed the threats in a televised address and explained how he had signed up for a new phone contract without realising it was 18 months instead of 12.

He added: “Unfortunately these contracts are not transferable. I can’t just give the phone to Omar Suleiman. He will have to get his own phone. And what’s the point of paying two lots of £24.99 when I could just hang on until September?

“I spoke to the girl at Carphone Warehouse and she said there was no way round it. Ra or no Ra.”