Villagers buy local pub then knock it down for a Tesco Metro

A RURAL village has formed a co-operative to purchase their local pub then demolish it and open something useful. 

The Harp Inn, which has been operating since the reign of Charles II, is under threat of closure because nobody goes there and is therefore available for a knock-down price.

Local resident Tom Booker Hobbs said: “My father and my father’s father used to drink in this pub. But that was before you could get cheap booze in supermarkets.

“So when we heard this place was up for sale everyone banded together, launched a crowdfunding campaign and I’m proud to say we’ve made enough to buy it and sell it to Tesco for a profit.

“Sure, I used to like drinking here when I was seventeen. But you know what I like now? Getting milk on a Sunday without driving six miles.

“The place stinks, the landlord’s sullen and bears grudges and they haven’t replaced their crisps since those weird World Cup flavours. I can’t wait for a lovely, sterile grocery shop that I don’t have to pretend to love.

“I’ll have my last pint in there next Friday, and I don’t mind saying I’ll be in tears thinking about how sweet having a Tesco Metro will be.”

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Six ways in which Brexit is totally, completely done

BREXIT is done, over, finished and will never be mentioned again. Here’s six ways in which you won’t hear about it: 

We don’t even think about the EU anymore

The UK has begun its first week of freedom by proving that it is over the EU and doesn’t even think about the EU anymore by delivering a major speech about the EU telling the EU how painlessly it has moved on. So there.

UK-EU trade negotiations

Negotiation of UK-EU trade, which will dominate politics until the end of the year and beyond, is a clear sign that Brexit is a done deal and not worth dwelling on. Apart from every day, in excruciating detail.

The Irish border

Remember this? There’s no need to as it’s a dead issue that’s completely gone away, apart from minor, footling details like how it will operate, where it will go, and when exactly it will lead to Northern Ireland leaving the UK for good.

Scotland’s fine with it

Despite not voting for Brexit, opposing Brexit and electing a party implacably against Brexit in every constituency, Scotland’s Brexit position is now completely settled. The EU saying they’d welcome an independent Scotland is just empty rhetoric.

3.6 million EU citizens live here

All EU citizens in the UK, often employed in vital roles, have accepted that they are second-class citizens who deserve no rights and live at our whim. The three million Brits in the EU, by contrast, will be coddled as lovingly as a pensioner’s Highland terrier.

The prime minister said it is

Boris Johnson has told us that Brexit is done, and there’s no way he would lie. All his increasingly frantic trips to Brussels over the next 11 months are simply because no London barman can pour a decent Hoegaarden.