WHILE once-unpopular names like Alfie and Ivy have enjoyed spectacular revivals, others have not. Britain has quietly agreed that no child should have to answer to these:
Barry
No parent since 1968 has looked into the eyes of a newborn and thought ‘yep, that’s a Barry’. It’s a name that arrives preloaded with a regular spot in the pub and opinions on ULEZ.
Susan
Unlike Ruby and Violet, Susan skipped the ‘charmingly vintage’ phase and went straight to ‘woman in your office with legacy contract who prints every email’. Yes, she has flexitime. No, you cannot.
Trevor
A name so resolutely middle-aged it somehow bypasses childhood altogether. They’re all born aged 60 and writing to the parish council. Besides, the poor fella would never lose his virginity with that name so your line would end with him.
Phyllis
Not every parent is unrealistically aspirational for their child, but every parent dreams of more than a woman in rollers gossiping over the fence about him at number 24 who’s full of himself.
Gary
The least likely name to appear on a trendy birth announcement written in minimalist font. Gary sounds less like your progeny and more like the bloke fitting your laminate flooring next Tuesday.
Maureen
A cosy name. Comforting. The obese assistant in year one at primary school available to give upset kids cuddles and a sweet as long as she’s not required to move.
Vincent
Parents increasingly want names with history. Unfortunately, being named Vincent conjures a history of convictions for wounding with intent, perjury, armed robbery and possession with intent to supply.
Doris
Unless your daughter is born in full make-up, hoop earrings, smoking and believing they ‘shouldn’t show women’s athletics, it incites men’ Doris is not the name for her.
Terry
Massive post-war, like the NHS and unions, but nosedived since. Even as a baby, you’d struggle to think of him anywhere but behind the wheel of a bus.
