Visiting relatives call with initial list of impossible demands

THE relatives that arrive this weekend have issued their first batch of impossible-to-meet demands, with more to follow. 

The demands, issued via email and phone, include three extra beds, separate vegan and vegetarian Christmas dinners, and a midnight mass but nice and early so everyone can be back in time for Michael McIntyre. 

Carolyn Ryan of Durham said: “They’ve been to my house. Do they think there’s an extra wing lying empty? 

“They’re asking me to accommodate 12 people and a dog that’s very old and incontinent ‘front and back’? And oh, am I aware that Darcy’s gone gluten-free? 

“I’ve been sent pages of the Radio Times with shows circled in four different colours of highlighter, and most of them clash, and apparently that’s my problem to fix. 

“This is demented bullshit.” 

Grandmother Pauline Ryan said: “Christmas should be magical for everyone. You know what I’ve never had? A twelve-bird roast. I’ll send her a quick text.”