Waitrose shopping contained intimidatingly working class spider

A FAMILY’S Waitrose delivery contained a massive loudmouthed spider with old-fashioned sexist views.

Architect Stephen Malley described the spider as ‘working class but not in a nice friendly way like the postman’.

He said: “I opened a bag of organic fruit and this gravelly voice said ‘alright mate, what’s for tea?’

“I had no idea what this meant until my life partner Helen explained that ‘tea’ is a working class colloquialism for supper.

“Then it said Helen had a ‘smashing pair of tits’. I told her to immediately remove the children to their grandmother’s.”

After failing to pluck up the courage to hit the working class spider with a rolled-up Observer, Malley called pest control experts who coaxed it into a cage designed to look like a small Wetherspoon pub.

Malley said: “This thing was horrible, it sounded like Danny Dyer and kept talking about ‘getting some fanny’ and asking me for ‘a gram of nosebag’.

“This is not the sort of thing you expect from Waitrose. It was more of an Asda type creature.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Radio Times archives confirm TV was always shit

A NEW website which archives the Radio Times TV listings has confirmed that television has always been a waste of time.

Highlights for BBC1 on this day in 1964 include:

10.30am Open University: The Welsh
Professor Henry Brubaker presents an informative talk on this fascinating and vibrant race of people. To include terrifying photographs.

11.30am Watch With Mother
Muffin the Mule learns that daddy was a donkey, mummy was a horse and why that is horribly wrong.

12pm News
To include a live broadcast of John Lennon pulling a funny face.

12.30pm-4pm CLOSE
Use this time to smoke cigarettes.

4pm Pottery Time
Margaret Chesterton makes an urn for her recently deceased husband’s ashes, but sees no need to make a fuss about it.

5.05pm Crackerjack
With guest Donald MacKinnon, the Norris-Hulse Professor of Divinity at Cambridge University.

6pm News
To include the prime minister’s response to John Lennon pulling a funny face.

8pm The Play for Today: Strawberries for My Lovely Darling
Alfie is a five foot tall petty thief who falls in love with a six foot tall Asian girl. Can they overcome height difference and racialism? Written by David Attenborough.

9pm Friday Night at the Hammersmith Apollo
The weekly variety show featuring a feckless Liverpudlian and a demonstration of how to use a toothbrush.