Friday, 14th May 2021

Want go Primark and pub-pub, by a grown British adult

by Stephen Malley of Solihull, aged 43

LOCKDOWN stupid. Want go Homebase and get big plant pots and go pub with Pete, Gavin and Steve. Covid is silly and stupid and I hate it. 

Primark open now. Want get cheap clothes. If no one let me purchase two shirts and a pack of 12 polyester socks they meanie poo-heads. Yes you too Boris.

Had fight in JD Sports. I saw trainers that were 25 per cent off first, but man said he saw first and was buying if in stock in a size 10 so I broke his nose. Serve him right. I am cock of JD Sports now.

Got trainers but should have got the other ones that were better. Probably won’t wear them.

Pub-pub open! Can’t wait another moment so outside before they open. Brought kids so they can have crisps. Wife said silly but I said I will scream and cry if I can’t have pub Stella drinks.

Pub has big toilet that smells nasty but Gavin was there and we weed together standing at urinal trough like real men. It was brill.

Everything back to normal now so I can have McDonald’s Big Mac meal with super-large shake. Queue in traffic for 11 hours if necessary. It just what being an adult about.