Water bills and other things that will instantly absorb any energy bill savings

THE typical energy bill is set to fall by £238, but don’t crack open the champagne just yet. That money will instantly get sucked up by these other expenses.

Water bills

Not content with piping raw shit directly into the country’s lakes and rivers, water companies are set to jack up their prices by six per cent as well. Just like the energy bill reductions, this price rise will come into effect in April, meaning you will be just as poor then as you are now. Oh well. Perhaps start buying lottery tickets?

Council tax

Practically every council in the country is poised to increase this charge by the maximum amount of 4.99 per cent come April, so don’t go splashing out on frivolous luxuries like new pants or dental work. Your hard-earned money needs to go towards already-neglected, unappealing libraries and waste collection services that sometimes pick up your rubbish every fortnight, if they feel like it.


Inflation is still stubbornly high, meaning food looks set to keep bankrupting you for the foreseeable future. That extra £238 in your pocket won’t cover your weekly shop of seven Pot Noodles, two bottles of Doom Bar and a Twix, so try foraging for scraps from restaurant bins if you want to put something away for a rainy day.

Train tickets

You had to sell off your car because the cost of petrol was too high, but that’s okay because the train was a semi-affordable way to get to work. Not anymore. From March, tickets on Britain’s busiest lines will soar by £100, unless you fancy getting an off-peak ticket at half five in the morning. But at least you’ll be able to sit in a dark office for a couple of hours and think about how much energy you’re saving.

Your mortgage

Energy bills might be tumbling but your mortgage rate continues to soar. What used to be an almost manageable sum is now squeezing you for an extra few hundred a month, and you’ve still got three more decades of that to look forward to. It’s got to the stage where it’s nearly as expensive as renting a box room in a houseshare, which is both a terrifying thought and not a great advert for living in modern Britain.

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Still nothing here, reports US moon lander

THE first US craft to land on the moon for 50 years has reported that it is still a big dusty rock of little interest to anyone.

Odysseus landed near the lunar southern pole last night and is already sending back data that confirms the moon is as grey and featureless as Southport beach and does not look set to change.

NASA scientist Dr Joe Turner said: “This is actually a private mission by Intuitive Machines, because we’ve been to the moon and we weren’t paying for that shit again.

“It touched down, which is great, and observed an area we’ve never observed so closely before and which contains many rocks. Big news for fans of rocks. Not geologists, though, because we’re not going to be able to look at the rocks close up. Just rock-likers.

“Apart from that? Well, not a lot to report immediately and if I were you I wouldn’t wait breathlessly for further bulletins. The big hope for this mission is there might be ice, which is hard to find because it’s indistinguishable from rocks.

“Anyway yep, moon’s still there, moon’s unchanged, there’s a reason we stopped visiting for half a century. But we won’t truly know until our manned mission lands.”

Astronaut Bill McKay said: “Like the roof of an office block, the best thing about the moon is the view of all the better places where you’re not.”