We ask you: who are you making a hate crime complaint about?

SCOTS holding grudges are rushing to make hate crime complaints under new laws. Who are you reporting to the authorities? 

Nikki Hollis, call centre operator: “JK Rowling but not because of the trans stuff, because Order of the Phoenix was 766 f**king pages. I haven’t read a book since.”

Susan Traherne, horticulturalist: “It’s got to be your own mother really, if you want it to be just like the good old days of Stalinism.”

Wayne Hayes, carpet layer: “I went for Sawney Bean, the infamous 16th century incestuous cannibal murderer. But apparently he never said anything particularly inflammatory, he was more a deeds guy, so I’m being prosecuted for wasting police time.”

Charlotte Phelps, solicitor: “Everyone I’ve met, spoken to or encountered online since first thing Monday morning. None of them treated me with respect. We’ll see how you like being locked up for looking at me like I’m shite on your shoe.”

Bill McKay, ironmonger: “I want to say my ex-boyfriend. But his were crimes of love.”

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How to write a celebrity lingerie article for the Daily Mail: A tutorial

AS the shining light of British journalism, the Daily Mail leads the way in stories depicting celebrities modelling underwear. How do they achieve excellence time after time? 

Banish all shame

As a journalist, you are the eyes and ears of the public. And writing an article for the titillation of unattractive men masturbating over Sabrina Carpenter until they jizz on the carpet is in the public interest. How else would they know about her collaboration with Skims? Would you have them rely on advertising?

Use the phrase ‘VERY skimpy lingerie’

It is important to emphasise that the lingerie is not merely ‘skimpy’ or ‘quite skimpy’. Imply that the extreme skimpiness may enable the viewer to see something more explicit, such as a bare nipple or ideally a vagina. If these are exposed, denounce the images as vile pornographic filth.

Also use ‘posed up a storm’

The origin of this expression is unknown. It’s also a calculated assault on grammar, which on the face of it goes against your paper’s love of traditional education, ie memorising the date of every battle Britain has won since 1500.

Mention ‘racy comments’

These images of Khloe Kardashian, Helen Flanagan or whoever may already have featured on social media, so add comments. Be carefuly to select only printable ones from lecherous men, ie ‘Gorgeous lady’ rather than ‘id smash that bitch hard’. Keep the misogyny wholesome.

Stop for a necessary wank

However detached and professional you are, celebrity lingerie shots are liable to arouse you. Stop for a wank to increase your efficiency. Retire to the toilets if you’re based in the Mail’s office, although given the number of lingerie articles published it’s probably normal to wank over Rihanna at your desk.

Include the words ‘busty display’

By definition any woman modelling a bra will be putting on a busty display rather than, say, an aeronautical display. However, it is important to maintain the fiction that she is ‘displaying’ her body to lure weak, helpless men like a Siren, or Sydney Sweeney.

Where appropriate, insert ‘age-defying’

If the subject is over 40, such as 50-year-old Mail regular Heidi Klum, highlight her youthful looks and trim figure every time. The compliment should imply that all other middle-aged women are sickeningly unattractive and should remain fully covered indoors.

Add any buzzwords you’ve left out

Be sure not to leave out any mandatory Mail lines like ‘wowed fans’. With practise you’ll instinctively churn out the most vapid sentences ever constructed. ‘Kate Upton wowed fans and sent temperatures soaring when she flashed her assets in a seductive show of her jaw-dropping curves’ is the standard to aspire to.

Congratulate yourself

If you’ve completed this tutorial, you are now qualified to write celebrity lingerie articles for masturbating right-wingers. No journalist could aspire to more. Admittedly you envisioned your career as being more Watergate, but it’s this or working on Industrial Valves Monthly.