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We will not rest until we have converted all the straights. By the Council of Gays

LONDON Pride is being billed as a vibrant celebration of diverse sexualities, but secretly we have only one aim: converting all straight people, especially older white men.

It is obvious that gays would want to make everyone gay, because then there will be more for us to choose from. And Pride and related activities are the tools we will use to successfully change millions of people’s lifelong sexual orientations. 

Mere proximity to an LGBT+ flag begins turning your DNA gay. Seeing thousands of homosexuals marching through London on TV will cause previously straight men to view female breasts with disgust. Soon after they will fill their homes with Robert Mapplethorpe prints in order to look at men’s arses 24/7.

Straight women will be similarly affected, getting butch haircuts and developing an instant love of k.d. lang. They will, naturally, start fancying all their female friends regardless of attractiveness.

Some perceptive individuals, often described as ‘bigots’ or ‘gammons’, know what we gays are up to. They are right to be worried. The pinnacle of gay attractiveness is an overweight, red-faced, grey-haired man who votes Reform. It is our dream that every gay club is filled with these ageing adonises. 

Our greatest ally in our warped plan is open-mindedness. Every time someone says ‘live and let live’ or ‘if people love each other they should be able to get married’ we are one step closer to our sexual dictatorship in which everyone in the UK is constantly having gay sex, even your dear old mum, for some reason.

At this point you may be thinking that predatory gays wanting to make other people gay sounds suspiciously like outdated homophobic nonsense. But no, it’s a definite plan we came up with, in between listening to YMCA and calling each other ‘duckie’.

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Joni Mitchell in blackface, and other artists who got away with it

IT’S genuinely amazing what people will overlook if you can churn out decent songs. Why don’t more music fans care about these atrocities?

Joni Mitchell in blackface

Known for her introspective melancholia, Joni Mitchell has an astonishing history with blackface. She wore it on stage, applied it for an album cover shoot and even attended parties using it as a disguise. As late as 2015 she was referring to her ‘blackness’ in interviews. Knowing all this is so painful it manages to make Love Actually worse.

John Lennon beating his wife

By his own admission, Lennon was physically abusive towards women. Although he managed to to calm his temper in a sensible way with copious amounts of pot, LSD and, later, heroin. Beatles lyrics openly referenced beating up women and yet ‘goo goo g’joob’ is what people remember.

David Bowie doing a Nazi salute

Of Bowie’s many characters, ‘Off His Nut On Cocaine Fascist Man’ is probably not many people’s favourite. Openly declaring a love for totalitarianism and greeting crowds of adoring fans with dubious hand gestures was all in a day’s work for mid-seventies Bowie. Still, it was less offensive than that drum and bass rubbish he did later.

The Prodigy releasing Smack My Bitch Up

Considered one of the greatest dance acts of all time, fans overlooked some dodgy lyrics to experience an adrenaline rush of raw electronic punk. The band claimed it wasn’t supposed to be taken literally but it didn’t help that the video depicted drug-fuelled acts of sexual assault and violence. Luckily the twist at the end avoids any misogyny! Oh. No it doesn’t because that’s just the video and it’s still not okay.

Michael Jackson being an alleged paedophile

Everyone knows about Michael Jackson’s alleged paedophilia and yet society collectively shrugs and accepts that Billie Jean is a banger. Alleged paedophile Michael Jackson’s Thriller is still played at kids’ Halloween parties. There’s a bloody film celebrating alleged paedophile Michael Jackson containing precisely no alleged paedophilia. Thank God Jimmy Savile didn’t write Smooth Criminal or we’d be stuck with him too.

Eric Clapton’s racist rant

An astonishing racist tirade on stage in 1976 seems to have been largely brushed off as the consequence of substance abuse. How many people can say they deployed a volley of racist slurs and started chanting ‘Keep Britain White’ because they had a few too many ales? Hardly drunken snog territory. Tickets for Clapton’s autumn 2026 tour are selling well.

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