Weed dealer has easily penetrable ‘code words’

LOCAL drug dealer Tom Logan insists on using the word ‘yoghurts’ as a code for weed.

28-year-old small time criminal Logan believes the substitute term will protect him in the highly unlikely event that police are tapping his phone.

Drugs buyer Mary Fisher said: “According to Tom’s system a ‘yoghurt’ is an eighth of weed.

“So, for example, you might ring up and ask for ‘three yoghurts please’. Which is probably more suspicious than just saying ‘please may I have some cannabis’. Who wants a yoghurt at 3am?”

“Similarly an eighth of hash is referred to as ‘a violin’. And if he’s run out he’ll say ‘sorry I’m feeding my mum’s parrot’.

“This is all a total waste of time but if you don’t humour him he goes mental.”

Logan said: “I’m not dealing, I just collect classical instruments and tend to overstock on Muller products, so people use me as a go-to.

“But if you are calling me for some yoghurts, I’ll meet you in the leisure centre car park in twenty minutes – keep your phone on.

“The yoghurts are £25 each.”

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Good Morning Britain strike brings nation to its knees

THE UK has descended into chaos as strike action at Good Morning Britain stretches into a second day.

After ITV workers walked out over pay yesterday, more than half of the country’s workforce withdrew their own labour in sympathy leaving six-foot drifts of rubbish in the lawless, rat-infested streets.

Tom Logan of Maidstone said: “Ben Shephard and Kate Garraway as lead presenters? Did we lose a war?

“How am I supposed to make it through a day without Martin Lewis telling me how to get two per cent off my lunchtime sandwich?

“A life without a three-minute guide to getting cat hairs off a sofa is no life at all.”

Susanna Reid has refused to intervene to stop the riots raging in every UK city, with commentators already comparing the situation to the Winter of Discontent.

Logan added: “Without the soothing banalities of Good Morning Britain, the nation has descended into savagery.

“There are rumours that Loose Women will be next. If that happens, we’re under martial law.”