We’re just so busy, say retired parents

A WOMAN has failed to appreciate how ‘busy’ her retired parents are.

Helen Archer, 70, told daughter Jane: “I’ve had a very busy week. Monday I had to go to the Post Office. Then on Wednesday I made that meringue for when Jean came over.

“And then this morning Jean came over and we ate the meringue and talked about maybe going to Kew Gardens in September.

“There’s no way I can help with the kids tomorrow.

“I explained to Jane that she wasn’t the only one with one of these ‘busy modern lifestyles’, but she was a bit distant. I reckon she is jealous about the meringue.”

Jane Archer said: “Tonight, I’ve got a 10pm conference call with the US. Then my to do list says ‘sex with Martin’, during which I will think about how to manage the budget process at work, and how to ferry the kids between three different birthday parties this weekend.

“Then I will set my alarm for 6am and the whole relentless f*cking nightmare will start all over again.”

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Woman yet to be told it's weird to be friends with exes

A WOMAN who has stayed in touch with all her ex-boyfriends does not realise it is unnecessary and odd behaviour.

Eleanor Shaw, 34, maintains regular contact with all her exes, including the one she saw for five days while on holiday in Newquay in 2003.

Shaw said: “I didn’t value my time with these men enough to sustain the relationships, but I like to think I will haunt their dreams forever.

“Often I touch base with them at key milestones in my life, such as when I’m doing really well or looking really good.

And sometimes it’s at key moments in their lives, like when I identify from their social media that they are acting as if they never went out with me.”

Tom Logan, Shaw’s boyfriend of eighteen months from university, said: “Am I still going to be receiving random ‘long time no see – how’s you?’ messages when we’re in our eighties? Someone needs to tell her the end of a relationship should be met with awkwardness and silence.”