West Country tells visitors to f**k off in case they're witches

RESIDENTS of the West Country are living in fear of holidaymakers in case they are witches who will turn them into toads.

Locals in Devon, Cornwall, Dorset and Somerset were at first thought to be worried about coronavirus, but in fact are more concerned about outsiders who may put curses upon them using occult powers granted by the Devil.

Farmer Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve put a sign on my land saying ‘WITCHES & WARLOCKS F**K OFF & TAKE YUR FAMILLIERS WITH U’, replacing my old Brexit one.

“That gets the message across to people in camper vans, but it won’t stop them who are flying to Dawlish on their broomsticks for a weekend break. Really we need anti-aircraft guns blessed by the Archbishop of Canterbury.”

Cornish shopkeeper Donna Sheridan, from Cornwall, said: “It’s not safe running a gift shop when a bride of Satan could turn you into a toad or make your cow’s udders wither.

“I’m watching grockles for marks of evil, such as warts, cackling and big pointed hats, but so far that’s mainly locals. But they don’t like it when you prick them with a silver pin. So I do that now.

“The council needs to step up and take control of the situation. We’ve still got the thumbscrews in Bodmin Jail museum. Time to start using them.”

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Care homes should have been more careful of coronavirus than I f**king was, says Johnson

THE prime minister has criticised care homes for not following coronavirus prevention procedures, much like a dickhead called Boris Johnson. 

Johnson, wearing hi-viz because he thinks that makes Britain like him, told care homes that they had no excuse for being cavalier about the risks after he demonstrated the risks of being cavalier.

He said: “They should have worn the PPE they didn’t have, should have taken the tests that weren’t available, and should have refused to take the infected patients we sent them.

“Coronavirus is very dangerous. I myself was admitted to intensive care because I ignored all medical advice around it, much as I am doing now.

“There is absolutely no excuse for not doing the right thing, unless you wish to exploit the ‘exceptional circumstances’ clause to drive to Durham in which case no problem.

“Consequently there were a number of regrettable circumstances in care homes which could easily have been avoided if the senior citizens involved had merely travelled to Greece via Bulgaria to stay in their mountain villa.

“I look forward to repeating this at the upcoming public inquiry, chaired by one of my mates, the report from which will be delayed and buried. Thank you.”