Western culture still very much there, say experts

LIBERAL western culture does not seem to have noticed it is under dire threat, experts have confirmed.

Despite Suella Braverman’s warning that Western civilisation is fighting for its existence, Europe continues to teem with Europeans who are drinking alcohol, disrespecting their parents or having pre-marital sex at this very moment.

Helen Archer, who lectures in cultural studies, said: “I heard Suella’s cry of warning so thought I’d check if our very culture is under threat. It’s not. 

“Just to be sure, I asked a dozen volunteers to measure their everyday experiences, to check that marches against war in Gaza aren’t drowning liberal western values in a never-ending tsunami of differentness. And no.” 

Volunteer Stephen Malley, a personnel manager from Finsbury Park, said: “I got up at 7.30am to a home generally free of Muslim extremists. Maybe they all congregate there when I’m at work.

“After a hate-free, non-halal bowl of Cheerios and a cup of coffee without an opinion about the role of women in society, I left the flat and passed three women in hijabs and 74 women not. At no point did anyone criticise their clothing or convert them to Islam.

“The bus is driven by a man with brown skin who sounds exactly like me. I would not be surprised if at least one of his grandparents arrived in Britain before mine did. No passengers try to undermine my values. They’re all on their phones.

“When I get to my desk I spend about two hours reading media sites that seem to be able to publish whatever they please, including articles about how western culture is being destroyed by immigration. 

“After work I go for a pint. The barman does not seem ashamed to serve me, even though the f**ker is charging me an insane amount of money.

“At home, I watch Sex and the City and marvel at the erotic athleticism of the older one, and my boyfriend and I discuss our upcoming marriage. Thus far, no one has arrested us for doing this. And that’s my day.” 

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Are we doing enough to halt the rise of complete and utter psychopaths?

QUESTIONS were being asked across Europe last night if enough is being done to stem the rising tide of total insanity.

Politicians are coming under increasing pressure to explain what they are doing to ensure that people do not lose their minds and go completely fucking apeshit.

Experts said psychopaths were growing in strength and number due to a range of factors including mass, uncontrolled internet access and a chemical imbalance in their brains.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “European democracies need to act now to prevent some psycho sticking his head into his computer and coming out covered in hysterical, racist bullshit, rather than say Scientology or a lot of arse about herbal remedies.

“Crazy Scientologists never do this kind of thing because they’ve given all their money to the L Ron Hubbard Foundation for Mega-Thinking and don’t have any left to buy guns.

“And some homeopathic nutter can’t really do that much damage armed with a bushel of sage and a mystic aubergine.”

He added: “We need to use our democratic institutions to make sure that people who are completely insane do not fixate on some spurious rationale for their need to commit murder.”

Julian Cook, professor of medieval history at Roehampton University, said: “Could I just point out that if some lunatic compares himself to the Knights Templar we should take that seriously because they were fucked-up, racist murderers who believed in a fantasy as well.”

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail has confirmed it will wait another 24 hours before announcing reluctantly that this is all the sad but inevitable result of multiculturalism.