What advice should you take from Get Ready for Brexit's website?

THE government is preparing the UK for Brexit by putting helpful advice written by a 19-year-old Whitehall intern on a website. Try these tips: 

Carry your blue passport at all times. Anyone with an older, burgundy passport is suspect. Also anyone using a passport to travel to foreign countries rather than simply brandishing it as a badge of national pride is suspect.

Your commemorative Brexit 50p, bearing the statement ‘Peace, prosperity and friendship with all nations’ in a fine example of British irony, is the single tangible benefit you will receive from leaving the EU and should be treasured accordingly.

Anyone suspected of being foreign should be challenged, and British citizens who seem foreign and/or the wrong colour can be asked when they are leaving, which after October 31st is officially not racist.

Our new US-style healthcare system, in that it will be owned and run by the US, will stop penalising people who have never been ill, had children or had ill relatives at any point in their lives. It will be fairer and 2,400 per cent more expensive.

Buy a balaclava. It will be vital in stopping the army identifying you during civil disorder and will keep you warm when you can no longer afford to heat your house.

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Johnson gets Downing Street podium out to announce he has a puppy

THE prime minister has made a statement to the nation that he has a lovely new puppy that he enjoys petting. 

The media converged on Downing Street last night for Johnson’s official 6pm statement that the puppy is a rescue puppy, is extremely cute and photos of him playing with it will be released within 48 hours.

He continued: “You all love animals, don’t you? Somebody told me that. Well, I love animals too and so does my current girlfriend.

“That’s why I have brought you here for the very important announcement that I like the puppy, the puppy likes me, everything is going fine and this isn’t a desperate attempt to pick up even a handful more votes.

“There won’t be an election and that’s not me saying it, it’s the puppy! ‘I don’t want an election!’ Did you hear him? That’s the voice I do for the puppy.

“So in summary I am a good man, dogs like me, vote for the guy with the puppy. Thank you.”

Johnson then went back inside Downing Street, pausing only to kick the puppy out of his path.