What do the new GCSE grades really mean?

GCSE grades used to be letters but are now numbers, because politicians like to fuck around and change stuff to feel important. But what do the new grades actually mean?

1: The lowest grade without actually failing. If you got this you’re probably dense enough to briefly think it’s the top grade before realising it isn’t and pretending you knew all along.

2-3: Grades for pupils who did not see the point of school. Not of much practical use, but at least you’ll be able to look back on cherished memories like melting that geeky kid’s pens in a bunsen burner until he cried.

4-5: Congratulations! You’re in the zone where technically you got GCSEs, and they’re better than some people’s, but they still don’t count for anything and no employer or educational institution will ever be interested. Why does this zone even exist?

6: You’re probably bright but fucked about just that little bit too much. Or maybe you’re thick and tried your best but it wasn’t good enough. Either way this near-miss is the most tragic of grades.

7: You are over the line. You scraped a real grade, and as a reward you will never have to study, use or think about this subject again.

8: A good grade, but if you’ve got a certain type of parents – possibly Guardian readers – it will disappoint them deeply. They will sit you down at the kitchen table, their faces drawn and anguished, asking what went wrong as if you’re in prison for heroin offences.

9: Fucking swot.

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Couple in their 30s recovering after terrifying trip to Urban Outfitters

A COUPLE in their late 30s are recovering at home after accidentally wandering into an Urban Outfitters.

Emma and Nathan Muir went into the shop in search of a gift for a friend but found themselves trapped in a terrifying maze of fashionable sportswear and quirky millennial trinkets.

Nathan Muir said: “The vast array of urban street wear immediately made me think, ‘Uh oh, we’ve walked into a scooter gang hideout which is also probably a crack den.’

“But as we tried to walk out I saw loads of merchandise for the TV series Friends, which was popular on Channel 4 when I was young.

“Gangs are bad enough but now I really just wanted to get out of there in case we’d entered some sort of timewarp.”

Partner Emma said: “There were gifts but they were strange, useless books, like guides to cooking with avocados, or retro record players no one would ever use. It all felt very fake and slightly evil.

“They were definitely taunting me with the idea that I can’t wear a cropped puffa jacket and denim hotpants and still look cool at my age.”

The couple are now slowly getting over the shock and even enjoying their new mini waffle maker, which, in their dated old-person language, they described as “wicked”.