GCSE grades used to be letters but are now numbers, because politicians like to fuck around and change stuff to feel important. But what do the new grades actually mean?
1: The lowest grade without actually failing. If you got this you’re probably dense enough to briefly think it’s the top grade before realising it isn’t and pretending you knew all along.
2-3: Grades for pupils who did not see the point of school. Not of much practical use, but at least you’ll be able to look back on cherished memories like melting that geeky kid’s pens in a bunsen burner until he cried.
4-5: Congratulations! You’re in the zone where technically you got GCSEs, and they’re better than some people’s, but they still don’t count for anything and no employer or educational institution will ever be interested. Why does this zone even exist?
6: You’re probably bright but fucked about just that little bit too much. Or maybe you’re thick and tried your best but it wasn’t good enough. Either way this near-miss is the most tragic of grades.
7: You are over the line. You scraped a real grade, and as a reward you will never have to study, use or think about this subject again.
8: A good grade, but if you’ve got a certain type of parents – possibly Guardian readers – it will disappoint them deeply. They will sit you down at the kitchen table, their faces drawn and anguished, asking what went wrong as if you’re in prison for heroin offences.
9: Fucking swot.