Things you've been doing wrong for years according to bullshit articles

FROM eating pasta to putting on your socks, you’ve probably been doing it wrong for years – at least according to articles like this. Here’s how to correct your mistakes.

Cooking pasta

You’ve probably been boiling it in water with a pinch of salt, right? WRONG! Italians soak their pasta in a bucket of cold water for a week, put it in a liquidiser and suck it up through a straw.

Tying your laces

Most people just tie a simple bow then walk around all day without problems. This is clearly inadequate. Tie your laces with a double half hitch knot (ask a sailor), put superglue on so it goes solid, then nail your shoes to your feet.

Building a wicker man

You probably build your horrific effigy first and bundle the human sacrifice in later. But it’s much easier to tie up your victim and build the wicker man AROUND him before hauling it erect with ropes and setting fire to it.

Peeling an orange

Here’s a brilliant ‘life hack’ we got from some tit on the internet – buy orange Tropicana with bits in and freeze it in 4” spheres. Hey presto, ready-peeled oranges with no mess and no fuss.

Having sex

You probably think you’ve got sex figured out, but you’re actually meant to just hold hands and wait for a stork to bring you a baby. Sex is actually a relatively modern invention dating back to the 1940s when only a few people had televisions.

Getting Tic Tacs out of the box one at a time

Avoid the nightmarish struggle to dispense Tic Tacs one at a time by having more going on in your life than fucking Tic Tacs.


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Fake news media having a particularly busy day

THE fake news media is busily reporting all kinds of lies and nonsense while ignoring the real story about how America is becoming great again, a source has claimed. 

Outlets devoted to fake news, including the New York Times, CNN, USA Today and all foreign media organisations, are frantically reporting criminal charges against two people Trump never met while refusing to cover the United States’ incredible resurgence. 

Journalist Helen Archer confirmed: “I know the truth – that America, thanks to one man, is back at number one – but it’s more than my job’s worth to report it. 

“Instead I have to focus on these two men unconnected to the Trump administration facing entirely unrelated criminal charges and make a big fuss about it as if it matters even slightly. 

“The most popular president of all time has put America on top, destroyed ISIS, and ended the War on Christmas and I’m reporting this garbage. But those are my orders. 

“If only I could listen to the people and give them the facts about the country they cherish being better than ever. But I knew when I joined the fake news media that lies were how I earned my pay.” 

An anonymous source said: “There is a single Twitter account that tells the unvarnished truth about America’s greatness. They call it Real Donald Trump.”