What to do if you meet a QAnon fruitloop

HAVE you been cornered by a nutter who believes Donald Trump is the secret saviour of trafficked children who are imprisoned in the basement of pizza shop? Here’s how to deal with them.

Use reason and logic
If you previously thought this person sane, try using stuff like reason and demonstrable facts. However, if they truly believe that Hollywood actors are kidnapping children and keeping them in a secret tunnel under the Gateshead MetroCentre, you will have a job on your hands.

Ask them if they’ve ‘lost their fucking mind’
You might hope that directly questioning their sanity will give them the reality check they need. They are likely to respond by telling you that they have saved their mind from being remotely controlled by a microchip implanted by Bill Gates disguised as their local GP.

Take away their internet
People who think the ‘lamestream media’ is lying to them don’t seem to have the same concerns over a weird bloke called Alan who befriended them on Facebook and started telling them David Icke really knows what is going on. Throw their smartphone in a river.

Be madder than them
Coming up with theories even more outlandish than theirs may make them wonder if what they know is true. But remember: They believe John F Kennedy Jr faked his own death and went into hiding for 20 years to join Trump’s secret evil-fighting organisation, so you will have to think outside your box.


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Hot tub owner can steer any conversation towards owning a hot tub

A MAN who spent a fortune on a top-of-the-range outdoor jacuzzi insists on shoehorning it into every interaction.

Roy Hobbs paid £7,000 for his JetMaster 3000 and has so far managed to bring it up during a colonoscopy and at a tense divorce hearing with his wife.

Hobbs said: “Owning the hot tub is great. But telling everyone about it is even better. You just have to subtly move the conversation towards it.

“Like yesterday a homeless person asked me for money. And boom, I was in. ‘50p for something to eat? Not likely, mate. I’ve just dropped seven grand on a deluxe garden tub’.

“And when a colleague was moaning about Covid restrictions I was like ‘It doesn’t bother me, as my 36-variable-speeds jet whirlpool bath can only comfortably seat six’. Absolutely seamless.

“No one has actually volunteered to sit semi-naked with me in a bath of tepid, scummy water yet, but it’s only a matter of time.”