NEW laws to stop the spread of coronavirus have made loud music, singing, dancing, and any sound or facial expression signifying pleasure illegal.
The laws, which came into force at midnight on the advice of epidemiologists who never get invited to parties, mean that anyone in Britain who appears to be less than completely depressed will be arrested.
Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “The chances of you spreading coronavirus are far higher if you’re out enjoying yourself than sitting alone and miserable in an empty room. So we’re stamping it out.
“From now on, laughter is banned. Anyone laughing will be fined £10,000, and if you report your friends, neighbours or workmates for illegal cheerfulness you’ll get a £1,000 reward.
“Vans will patrol the streets, sensitive microphones trained on your windows. A giggle, a smirk, even a titter and your door will be kicked in and you’ll be dragged away and forcibly isolated.
“We’re saving this country from Covid if it kills the f**king lot of you.”