Saturday, 24th October 2020

The toddler's guide to making everyone's life hell

NEED to make everyone around you lose the will to live? Infuriating toddler James Bates explains how to push people over the edge.

Smash stuff

The world contains two types of objects: those that smash and those that do the smashing. It’s your life’s mission to determine which is which, although the floor usually works best. Don’t be afraid to test mummy’s iPhone, it could be great for both.

Refuse to be dressed

Being free to run around naked is your human right. If anyone tries to wrestle you into a pair of dungarees with a dinosaur on, simply squirm out of their grasp like a slippery eel and dash away as fast as you can. Particularly effective in the morning and before long car journeys.


Don’t worry, you don’t need a reason. When the mood takes you just start bawling your head off and refuse to stop no matter how much people try to placate you. And boy will they try. I like to do this on plane journeys, or just anywhere, really.

Draw on everything

You don’t just have to draw on paper. My research shows that marker pens work just as well on walls, faces and designer handbags. Like all the great artists your work won’t be appreciated in its time, but your idle, meaningless scribbles will definitely liven the place up a bit.

Ask ‘Why?’

Why is daddy sitting on the toilet for hours? Why is mummy opening another bottle of wine? These are just some of the many, many questions that need answering. Not that they’ll quench your thirst for knowledge, in fact they’ll just spawn more annoying questions. Why is mummy looking so tired and angry? You have a right to know.