The toddler's guide to making everyone's life hell

NEED to make everyone around you lose the will to live? Infuriating toddler James Bates explains how to push people over the edge.

Smash stuff

The world contains two types of objects: those that smash and those that do the smashing. It’s your life’s mission to determine which is which, although the floor usually works best. Don’t be afraid to test mummy’s iPhone, it could be great for both.

Refuse to be dressed

Being free to run around naked is your human right. If anyone tries to wrestle you into a pair of dungarees with a dinosaur on, simply squirm out of their grasp like a slippery eel and dash away as fast as you can. Particularly effective in the morning and before long car journeys.


Don’t worry, you don’t need a reason. When the mood takes you just start bawling your head off and refuse to stop no matter how much people try to placate you. And boy will they try. I like to do this on plane journeys, or just anywhere, really.

Draw on everything

You don’t just have to draw on paper. My research shows that marker pens work just as well on walls, faces and designer handbags. Like all the great artists your work won’t be appreciated in its time, but your idle, meaningless scribbles will definitely liven the place up a bit.

Ask ‘Why?’

Why is daddy sitting on the toilet for hours? Why is mummy opening another bottle of wine? These are just some of the many, many questions that need answering. Not that they’ll quench your thirst for knowledge, in fact they’ll just spawn more annoying questions. Why is mummy looking so tired and angry? You have a right to know.

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Woodland porn magazine populations facing extinction

A NEW campaign is aiming to bring back discarded pornographic magazines to Britain’s woodlands.

Porn mags were once a common sight in UK woods but since the advent of high-speed broadband and virus-free porn websites, populations have been in rapid decline. 

Campaigner Martin Bishop said: “For generations, a trip to the woods was an opportunity for birdwatching, den-building and frenzied wanking to soggy copies of Men Only discovered in the bushes.

“The internet has taken a huge toll on magazine numbers. Rarities such as Gorgeous Grannies, Megajugs and Steaming Fetishes now face total extinction.”

The campaign hopes to reverse the trend by encouraging retro porn magazine collectors to donate copies and leave them under a fir tree in the nearest wooded area.

Bishop added: “If collectors can spare just one copy, they could prevent future generations missing out on seeing their first tits and muff in a damp and possibly sticky jazz mag.”  

Former teenage masturbator Tom Logan said: “Spotting your first mucky mag hiding in the trees by some tissues like a kingfisher or a red squirrel is a thrill you can only get in the wild.”