Saturday, 7th December 2019

Which absolute twats are going to sit near you on a train?

FOR some reason, boarding a train means you instantly become a magnet for twats. Here are some of the worst offenders.

Annoying middle class teenagers Are you interested in whether Zac fancies Claire after, like, talking to her for ages at that party? Or if Sara should go to Exeter University? No? Don’t give a sh*t? Well you’re going to find out anyway thanks to their annoying overconfidence and loud, slightly posh voices.

Fare-dodging pr*cks In particular, the ones who: Clearly haven’t bought a ticket and try to fool the guard with some sort of print-out; Pretend their ticket has somehow flown out of their rucksack, like the magic letters in Harry Potter; Get really aggressive so you have a nice long delay while the police are called to chuck them off the train. 

PR people There’s something about trains that makes PR people act up - maybe the excitement of not being in the office? The entire carriage will be treated to endless phone conversations about meetings and clients which, pathetically, are clearly meant to impress you.

Man who appears not to have bathed for three months People with abnormally poor personal hygiene probably deserve sympathy rather than contempt, but not if they’re 50 centimetres away from you. Your WhistleStop sandwich is foul enough without the added odours of armpit and groin vapours.

The chatty nutter Usually male, the chatty nutter is a friendly, salt-of-the-earth guy - until he casually reveals he’s on his way to Uttoxeter to beat up his ex-girlfriend’s mate for ‘kidnapping’ her dog, or something equally bizarre.