Which absolute twats are going to sit near you on a train?

FOR some reason, boarding a train means you instantly become a magnet for twats. Here are some of the worst offenders.

Annoying middle class teenagers
Are you interested in whether Zac fancies Claire after, like, talking to her for ages at that party? Or if Sara should go to Exeter University? No? Don’t give a sh*t? Well you’re going to find out anyway thanks to their annoying overconfidence and loud, slightly posh voices.

Fare-dodging pr*cks
In particular, the ones who:
Clearly haven’t bought a ticket and try to fool the guard with some sort of print-out;
Pretend their ticket has somehow flown out of their rucksack, like the magic letters in Harry Potter;
Get really aggressive so you have a nice long delay while the police are called to chuck them off the train. 

PR people
There’s something about trains that makes PR people act up – maybe the excitement of not being in the office? The entire carriage will be treated to endless phone conversations about meetings and clients which, pathetically, are clearly meant to impress you.

Man who appears not to have bathed for three months
People with abnormally poor personal hygiene probably deserve sympathy rather than contempt, but not if they’re 50 centimetres away from you. Your WhistleStop sandwich is foul enough without the added odours of armpit and groin vapours.

The chatty nutter
Usually male, the chatty nutter is a friendly, salt-of-the-earth guy – until he casually reveals he’s on his way to Uttoxeter to beat up his ex-girlfriend’s mate for ‘kidnapping’ her dog, or something equally bizarre.

Progressive stag party goes to strip club for research

A PROGRESSIVE bachelor party went to a strip club to get a better understanding of toxic masculinity, they have revealed.

Tom Booker and friends normally prefer activities like discussing green issues and swapping vegan recipes, but felt that the sexist pole dancing industry was something they ought to be aware of.

Booker said: “Going to the strip club really gave us valuable first-hand experience of how problematic we men are. I felt terrible objectifying all those gorgeous women.

“Admittedly it was difficult to have an in-depth discussion with attractive dancers wearing barely a stitch cavorting for our entertainment, but it just shows how ingrained sexism is in our culture.

“I feel we reached some very worthwhile conclusions. As Pete said, maybe it’s more sexist to ban strip clubs if women want to do it. That’s a really interesting point.”

Stripper Nikki Hollis said: “If they’re so progressive I don’t know why they’re giving their tacit endorsement to the patriarchal institution of marriage.”