Friday, 6th December 2019

Which tw*ts are coming to your school reunion?

IT’S traditional for school reunions to only be attended by people you didn’t like. So which t*ssers from the past can you expect to see?

The school bully

When you were nine, Steve inspired the same fear as Ralph Fiennes’s Nazi sadist in Schindler’s List. Can it really be the same person as this middle-aged loser whose idea of sparkling conversation is telling you about his work van?

Person you can’t remember

Try as you might you don’t remember Iain or June. Were they in a different year? No. Were they off school a lot with some illness? No. Which trying to place them you will realise your memory lapse is due to them being as dull as a cardboard f**king box. They work in IT now.

Failed arty type

Annoying girl who was quite good at drama and wanted to be an actress. That clearly didn’t pan out because she’s working in HR at Vodafone. Avoid her at all costs before faux-cheerful comments like ‘I sell knitted gonks from my Etsy shop’ depress you.

The cool kid

Frequently called ‘Rob’, he was fantastically cool aged 15 due to being fairly good at football, having the latest trainers and a rumour that he fingered Lisa Kelly at a party. He is not cool any more. He is fat and so is his wife, he does not earn much and his children sound thick. This is excellent.

Jealous money-obsessed man

When you tell him what you do, this tw*t will immediately say “Bet you’re coining it in!”, even if it’s not an obviously high-income career like Colombian coke baron. Leave before he starts telling you about his ISAs.

Person with an obvious void in their life 

Possibly the one who organised the reunion. As they reel off a list of classmates, you remember they weren’t really friends with any of them. When they desperately say ‘We should make this a regular thing!’ give them a fake phone number.